How to Save a Victim of Domestic Violence
/It might surprise you to hear that most people do more harm than good when trying to save a victim of domestic violence. Many victims of abuse will undergo a mind reset. Do not be caught unaware if your once confident, vibrant, independent, decisive friend changes to a fearful, insecure, dependent person after enduring years of abuse, be it verbal or physical abuse. Abuse changes people!
These changes in the victim’s mindset are typically subtle and occur gradually over time. The abuser seeks to control the victim by becoming everything to them in a bid to take charge of the victim's life. They start by being charming and romantic, till they sweep the victim off their feet and earn their trust. After they gain the confidence of the victim, the abuser proceeds to isolate them from all external sources of influence and take total control of their lives. You, as the victim's best friend, might even be labeled as the enemy if care is not taken. I know of a case in which the abuser, who was a man, convinced his victim that all her unmarried friends and sisters were simply jealous of her when they tried to warn her about him.
The abuser sets out to control everything, from the bank account, the way the victim dresses and even who the victim hangs out with. Once the coast is clear and the victim is isolated, they proceed to devalue and degrade the victims through verbal abuse till they become physically abusive. Remember, the mindset can be altered; we can reset our minds by words of faith or words of fear. The Bible says faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. This is because what we hear affects us tremendously. That is why we are told to guard our hearts with all diligence. Over an extended period of time of being called stupid and treated as such, even the smartest person might start to believe that they are foolish and no longer trust their own opinion or reasoning faculties. For example, an abuser hits the victim, then later blames the victim for causing the situation that led to them being hit!!!! Sounds crazy?
Expect your loved one to be different; be prepared to be patient with them till they come to their senses! It is also common for victims of abuse to experience other emotional struggles such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, or turn alcohol and substance abuse to numb their pain or self-medicate. Emotional struggles and substance use further diminish the victim's ability to process situations and events properly.
For the most part, the nature of the relationship between the victim and their abuser is codependent; the victim simply relies on their abuser to think for them. Over time, the brain also undergoes physiological changes caused by trauma. This trauma distorts the judgment of the victim through two major cognitive processes: cognitive dissonance and traumatic bonding.
In cognitive dissonance, one attempts to make sense of two conflicting sets of information. For an abused woman, whose husband does everything for her and monitors her every move, she might have to make sense of the way he cares for and protects her and the fact that he hits her ever so often. For her to put that conflict to rest, she makes excuses for him and instead blames herself for provoking him. In traumatic bonding, the cycle of abuse and makeup becomes addictive and reinforced. Just like other addictive behaviors, the cycle of reward and punishment becomes so strong and difficult to break.
I recall a coworker years ago, whom I suspected was a victim of domestic violence. She was always covered in bruises from "falls" or "accidents". She avoided eye contact and kept to herself, never participating in after work events. We all suspected she was a victim of domestic violence. Out of concern, other colleagues decided to confront her, but she remained tight-lipped and became avoidant.
Based on my experience with victims of domestic violence, I decided to befriend her. I made a conscious effort to never say a word about what I suspected. Instead, I would fret over her and express safety concerns about the repeated bruises she suffered from the so-called "accidents". One day, while attending to a bump on her forehead, I simply added that she was lucky she didn't suffer from a brain damage, as that would have led to her children becoming wards of the State. I believe that was her wake-up call. Eventually, she came to meet me in the physician's lounge and confided in me. I listened non-judgmentally and did not pass a comment about her husband; I just expressed my concerns about her safety and evaluated her social network.
She had no one, as her husband isolated her from her family members over the years. She had nowhere to go with her five children. She was only able to come to work as a nurse because her husband and his relatives assisted with babysitting. Without a well thought out plan in place, she stood to lose her source of livelihood and her ability to support herself and her kids. I became acquainted with her husband and remained neutral and nonjudgmental. Eventually, he allowed me access to their home and allowed her to spend increasing lengths of time with me. During this time, we reached out to her parents, and she made amends with them and invited her parents to visit her from out of state. With her parents in town, she eventually got a place and moved out. There was minimal disruption to her job; her children did not have to change schools as her parents drove them back and forth from school and assisted with their homework. That was how she escaped safely.
There are many others that are not as fortunate as my friend because of lack of finances, support, or even shelter to accommodate their offspring and themselves. Many victims are killed when trying to escape. If you are concerned about anyone in an abusive relationship, here is a guide on how to help.
Always Remember The 12 S's of Safe Escape!
SHAME- Shame is the predominant emotion. The abuser typically shames the victim by dehumanizing, humiliating, and devaluing them. When people are ashamed, they hide. Refrain from shaming the victims or putting them on the spot; they will run and hide from you.
STORY- Never force them to tell their story till they are ready. Recounting the story can be traumatizing and lead to a mental health crisis such as dissociation, nightmares, flashbacks, severe anxiety or panic attacks. When they are ready, they will talk! Be careful with your comments as they might still have a soft spot for their abusers.
SURVEILLANCE- Assume they are under surveillance until proven otherwise! Be careful with the social media comments, text, and emails you send. Also, be careful with the phone calls and visits as the abuser might even have a surveillance camera in their homes unknown to the victim. Some abusers might even stalk their victim at work. Some even monitor the victim's browsing history on the PC at home.
SAFETY- Safety is paramount; you want the victim to escape alive! Not every victim is willing to leave immediately. It takes some time for them to make up their minds, and some victims need to put things in place. Think about it for a minute; it is easier for a victim without children to escape to safety than a victim with multiple children. It is easier for a victim with financial support and social support to escape than one without. One of the things I do is to develop a safety plan with the victims who are just not ready to leave, which includes a quick getaway plan and ways to avoid confrontation with their abusers. Also, the safety plan should include ways of avoiding the abusers while they are intoxicated; staying out of hazardous rooms such as the kitchen if there is tension in the air; doing everything to avoid triggering a domestic violence episode, and planning for quick escape. The most important thing is doing a thorough safety assessment. Are guns involved? Are drugs involved? Are the dependents safe? All discussions should be geared towards the safety of the victim and dependents. This is not the time to get into the juicy gossip! If the victim hears that you have shared their story on the street, they will cut you off. Be careful of who you tell, as a tactless person might leak information to the abuser and get the victim into more trouble. Consider restraining orders or orders of protection when necessary.
SUPPORT- Give unconditional support. Remember that after years of isolation, victims are typically dependent on their abuser. Unless they can trust that you will be there for them in the long haul, they will leave things the way they are. Never give them ultimatums to get out; this is counterproductive. Many would much rather remain with the devil they know, who provides them with security and shelter, than the unknown. Remember, years of abuse make victims feel unlovable and undesirable. Any sign of conditional love or criticism will be perceived as rejection by the victim of abuse.
SOLUTIONS- Offer practical solutions. Help the victim build a support network of trusted and reliable people. Offer them your basement if you can, or help look for housing resources. Collect donations on their behalf to help them survive if they decide to leave. Offer them jobs, escort them to doctor appointment, and provide them household goods, food, community resources, and anything they might need to survive.
STRATEGIC- You need to be strategic when planning the escape. The victim needs to get all their identification documents, bank statements, checkbooks, passports, marriage certificates, driver's license, insurance cards, immunization cards and school certificates out of the house. Also, get a small stash of money when possible. Properly time the escape so that the abuser is not around to cause a confrontation and a brawl. Remember that most victims are killed while trying to escape. If the escape has to be confrontational, you might want to consider getting a show of force, such as a police officer being present.
SHELTER- One of the most important needs of a victim is a safe and appropriate shelter that can also accommodate children if need be. The longer the access to shelter, the more likely the victim will follow through with escaping. Family members can be a good source of shelter. A friend with extra rooms might be willing to accommodate the victim, or friends might decide to pay for a few months of accommodation. Public shelter or hotel might also be considered. It is of utmost importance that the shelter is secure and kept secret when possible.
SLOW- Recovery is slow. Things might get worse instead of getting better. Watch out for symptoms of mental illness and get them to a well-trained professional before things get out of hand. The victim might need therapy, medication or even hospitalization depending on the severity of the symptoms. Expect them to mourn the end of the relationship because they might even miss the abusers. Some victims might turn to alcohol or drugs for self-medication.
SELF- While trying to help, do not lose yourself. Know your limits! Some abusers can be violent and vindictive and come after you. Make sure your spouse is on board before asking the victim to stay with you. You might be better off getting them a rented apartment or a hotel room. I have witnessed victims of abuse being abandoned by friends because their abusers began stalking the victim’s friends. The victims, after being abandoned by friends, are forced to return to the abusive situation where they are subject to more pain, suffering, and surveillance. Don't bite more than you can chew. Use your head; don't be caught in the crossfire!
SENSITIVITY- Remain sensitive to the victim’s needs and views. Respect them! Help them preserve the little self-esteem they have left, as years of abuse typically erodes one's sense of self-value and worth. Respect their space and be sensitive to their spiritual and cultural concerns. You might have to increase your understanding of their cultural and spiritual influences to respect them.
SPIRITUALITY- Keep them in your prayers! Ask God to open their eyes of understanding, as some victims are so overwhelmed with fear and religion. While God hates divorce, the Bible talks about separation. Instead of dying in a relationship, it might be necessary to get separated while efforts are made towards reconciliation when possible. Don't forget domestic violence also occurs in the homes of the church leaders, and they might be biased in their advice. Use your head; that is why God gave you a brain! Ask for counsel from wise people, but most importantly, rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit.
My friend ended up reconciling with her husband after he agreed to go for substance abuse treatment. Upon further examination, he only got belligerent and violent when he was drunk. He committed to attending substance abuse counseling and has successfully stayed away from alcohol in the past 10 years. Unfortunately, not every story ends this way! Next time you are in a gathering, remember that behind the fancy outfits and beautiful smiles, one in three is a victim of domestic abuse. Are you one of them? Do you need help today? Marriage was made for the benefit of human beings, not the opposite. Your children need you alive. Your life is more important to God than your marriage! God values you greatly, even in your singleness or post-divorce! God loves you dearly!
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Dr Omobolaji Oyebanjo-Popoola