Domestic Violence in the Church
/The church has not been exempted from domestic violence. The prevalence of domestic violence, is one of the dirty secrets of the church and like with most areas of challenges, couples in church, hide their secret for fear of being judged. Many Christian women, who are the most likely victims, are less likely to tell anyone or ask for help. Domestic violence is on the pulpit and in the pews. The fact that most churches are patriarchal in nature, means that men are likely to get away with abusing their wives, and their wives are asked to remain silent and keep submitting to the authority of the abusive husband. Unfortunately, a few women have been murdered in the process. The same pastor who advised her to submit, ends up conducting her funeral! The Church generally avoids confronting men. Who really wants to tell a grown man how to run his home? This ought not to be so. Domestic violence ought not to be named or tolerated in the church and more should be done to address this openly and help couples in this situation. Let us examine in detail what the bible says and put this to rest once and for all!
1)-The basis of every Christian marriage is love; God's kind of love, agape love. Domestic violence does not represent God's ideal or God's nature, as God is love.
“He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.”
2)-Husbands and wives are asked to submit to each other, a woman's submission to her husband is further emphasized.
A wife is also asked to reverence her husband. In my experience of working with men, for a certainty, men thrive on respect. Nothing can provoke a man faster than when he feels disrespected by his wife. Some women are extremely provocative, they really need to watch their tongues, but that is still not an excuse for violence against women.
In Christian marriages, the man is called to be the head, meant to lay his life down for his wife like Christ did for us. If she has some shortcomings, he is meant to correct, sanctify and cleanse his wife with the "word" to take out her "spots", "wrinkles", and "blemishes" not to abuse his position of authority over her, by giving her bruises, scars and broken bones neither is he meant to bully her or shame her.
If woman and man become one in marriage, men ought to love, nourish and cherish her like his own body. Only a crazy person will beat or kill "his own body".
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.
“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
3)What type of love is at the foundation of the Christian marriage?
There are four types of love,
• Storge—empathy bond.
• Philia—friend bond.
• Eros—erotic, romantic bond.
• Agape—unconditional "God" love.
Most relationships that lead to marriage start with erotic, romantic love, the kind of love that makes you excited and causes your heart to skip several beats! Unfortunately, romantic love, is not enough to sustain a marriage or withstand the challenges that people sometimes face in marriages.
Agape love is the greatest hope for a violent free marriage, enduring and joyous marriage. Having said that, it takes, two to tango, both sides must be committed to make a marriage work. One party cannot have a successful marriage alone, without the commitment of the other party.
“Love suffers long and kind; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up: does not behave rudley, does not seek its own truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail. ”
4)-In my experience as a psychiatrist, at the root of most incidents of violence are several factors such as pride, offense, anger, poor self-control, impatience and substance abuse.
All these are works of the flesh! The antidote for the works of the flesh, is the Holy Spirit. If we allow the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us, we can avoid many incidents of violence within the Christian household.
5)- The bible admonishes us to forgive, and pray to stay out of evil and temptation, are we praying? Are we forgiving each other or holding offense?
“And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. ”
6)-Drugs and alcohol can lead to fights in the Christian home.
“Wine is a mocker, strong drink is a brawler, And whoever is led astray by it is not wise ”
7)-The company we keep can affect our attitude.
If you hang out with an angry man or woman you will learn their ways. I recall a friend who said her husband got more aggressive when he started hanging out with a long-lost friend, who objectified women. She went to the Lord in prayer, and God revealed the adverse influence of her husband friend on their relationship. She gently pointed this out to her husband. By God's grace he agreed with her and stopped hanging out with that particular friend. I also know of women, who pick up bad behaviors from their friends, particularly friends who do not believe in the headship of a man in a Christian home.
“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”
Do you recall the story of the woman caught in the very act of adultery, during the time of Jesus, who according to the "law" deserved to be stoned to death? The woman that Jesus saved by "grace", by requesting only those of her accusers without sin to cast the first stone? He saved the woman from death by violence! I always wondered why the man caught with her was never mentioned, interesting right? Women have always been victims of a patriarchal society, where they have little rights and influence.
The value of a person’s life is not tied to their marital status. The Marriage institution is very important to God, yet It is not more important than the people in it. Marriage was made for the benefit of the people, not people for the benefit of marriage. Paul who wrote most of the New Testament was single. The first woman evangelist, the woman of Samaria, had been married five times and failed, yet she was validated by Jesus and became the first female evangelist. Despite five failed marriages, she was still found to be fit for the master's use. Don't let anyone condemn you or shame you into staying in a destructive marriage, in which your life is at risk. If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of your dependents, reach out and ask for help.
Instead of dying in a marriage, people can consider a brief separation during which they can seek the face of God for guidance.
Finally, do not provoke each other, women respect your husbands. Husbands love your wife and deal with her with understanding, remember for the most part, she is the weaker vessel. Couples, remember to turn the other cheek, be long suffering, be patient with each other, and answer each other with a soft answer when provoked. Get appropriate help if you are concerned! Stay safe, and stay alive! Finish the race set before you!
