Stopping Domestic Violence Part A

Truth be told, most victims of domestic violence never leave of their own volition. Either they die, or the perpetrator leaves.

There are more victims of domestic violence than we can imagine. It is not easy to convince them to run for safety. Without tremendous tact, victims may retreat into their shells, and perpetrators may block your access to the victims. As someone who seeks to help victims, I’ve learned it is not always wise to confront the perpetrator. They typically have financial and mental holds on the victims, and until you can gently sever those holds, the victims will not leave.

As a psychiatrist, I can tell you it sometimes takes years to rescue a victim of domestic violence. Many have made sense of their abuser’s behavior—they have come to accept it as normal and established faulty coping skills to deal with it. Many are also ashamed or in denial. Because most victims are typically not yet ready to leave their relationships when we first meet, my focus is always on their safety. I work with them to find immediate ways to prevent violent episodes while we gently work on more long-term goals, such as changing their mindset and finding alternative resources. Victims need to be able to guarantee their safety and survival before they can leave, and that takes time to plan. 

Most perpetrators threaten to destroy the victims, to kill them, or to take their children from them. Someone who has never experienced domestic violence could never imagine the bondage these victims endure. They live in real fear! In a society like ours, where the money follows the custodian of the kids, many perpetrators will do anything to defame the victim as an unfit parent. The lying perpetrator then gains control of the children, and by extension the victim. The perpetrator may even collect child support from the victim.  

I once met someone who was a victim of domestic violence for years. While she was pregnant with her third child, she discovered her husband was cheating on her, and he became violent again. She threatened to leave and take the kids with her. A few weeks after that incident, her husband deliberately provoked her into an argument early one Saturday morning. He secretly recorded her, called the police behind her back, and told them that he was afraid for his safety and the safety of the children. The woman only learned of this when the police walked into the kitchen and informed her they were there to commit her. She became irate and struggled with them, which only collaborated her abuser’s story. 

This woman was taken to a mental hospital, where she stayed for weeks because she was so angry she fought with everyone. She finally calmed down and explained her story to the doctors, but it was too late. Her husband had not only filed for divorce, but had also filed a restraining order against her. He used her hospitalization against her, insisting she was unfit to be a mother. He also filed for custody of the baby after the mother gave birth. As this story demonstrates, rescuing a victim from domestic violence must be done with care and knowledge. 

Continue reading part B.