Stopping Domestic Violence Part B

This issue can be even more complicated sometimes for Christian victims, which is why I decided to write this article from a Christian perspective. Domestic violence can often be predicted and prevented. If I can’t save every victim, I hope I can prevent some people from becoming victims in the first place.

Take off the rose-colored glasses before you marry. Check out your spouse-to-be’s family, friends, and legal background for a history of violence. Alcohol and drug use can also increase the risk of violence, so look for signs of that as well. Certain medical and psychiatric conditions can increase the risk of domestic violence, so do your research if you are aware of any conditions they may have. Even innocuous-seeming problems can lead to violence, such as sports-related head injuries.

Violence is the work of the flesh, like lust. For the most part, violence is acquired through our environment, upbringing, culture, and society. Violence can be unlearned by acquiring temperance and self-control. Studies show that children raised in abusive homes tend to end up in abusive relationships, either as the victim or the abuser. Consider this: if a person grows up in an abusive home where every disagreement ended in violence, or where women are controlled by beating them to submission, what kind of relationship do you think this person will expect as an adult?

Provocation can increase the risk of domestic violence. Almost everyone, under certain circumstances, can be provoked to anger. The Bible tells us not to provoke each other. Although each person is responsible for their own actions, a person experiencing domestic violence is not powerless. Practicing de-escalation techniques and avoiding deliberately provoking or arguing with the abuser can help keep the victim safe until they are ready to leave. 

Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. Galatians 5:25-26

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Drugs and alcohol use increase the risk of domestic violence. Certain medical conditions and medications can increase agitation and violence. A few examples are head injury, stroke, hyperthyroidism, PMS, steroids, and stimulants. Even prescribed drugs and legal substances can alter the mind. Alcohol leads to disinhibition, which can, in turn, lead to violence. Even the Bible writes about this.

Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise. Proverbs 20:1

Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? Proverbs 23:29

Mental illness can increase the risk for domestic violence. Certain mental illnesses can lead to violence. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD, trauma, and severe anxiety are among conditions that can increase the risk for violence. Thank God for advances in medicine! These and many other mental conditions can now be managed, reducing the risk of violence. However, some people’s conditions are so severe it can be challenging to manage them medically. When that happens, turning to Jesus is paramount. According to the Bible, the mad man of Gadara was so violent that he could not be tamed until Jesus delivered him.

Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him. Mark 5:4

Society and culture can increase the risk of domestic violence. If violence against women is the norm in a culture, domestic violence is much more likely. Laws and policies must protect victims, and social services and resources must be able to help victims get back on their feet once they escape. It is especially important for the Church to speak out against domestic violence, rather than telling women to return home and be more submissive. Pastors should help couples get to the root issues causing domestic violence, especially if violence is prevalence in their congregations.

Relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence. Did you know certain relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence?

Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul. Proverbs 22: 24-25

Self-control can prevent violence in the home. Part of maturity is self-control, even in frightening situations. Be honest with yourself—where are you in this journey to self-control? Are you able to practice de-escalation techniques, or do you find yourself “fighting fire with fire”? Where is your spouse in this journey? Are they still easily angered?

De-escalation techniques can prevent violence in the home. For the most part, domestic violence is a learned behavior. This is good news, as it means it can frequently be prevented by both parties. Every single relationship has a risk of domestic violence, some more than others, so we all must work actively to prevent relationship violence. Learning specific techniques to de-escalate tense situations can prevent arguments from turning to violence.

Temperance can prevent violence in the home. Like self-control, temperance is also a learned behavior. It requires the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as maturity, selflessness, self-discipline, and self-awareness to avoid and control anger. We all need to learn to rule over our anger. The Bible tells us that we can all acquire temperance and patience if we really want to!

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Proverbs 16-32

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.  2 Peter 1:5-7

Walking in the Spirit can prevent violence in the home. The closer you are to God, the easier it will be to act like Him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5 22-26.

Finally, when you are considering marriage, take heed not to be unequally yoked. Make sure you have not only the same belief system, but also the same value system. Ensure you and your partner have the same point of reference (the Bible), and that Christ is the center of the relationship. Although this cannot guarantee a violence-free relationship, it can help create a partnership open to correction and transformation when problems arise. 

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Stopping Domestic Violence Part A

Truth be told, most victims of domestic violence never leave of their own volition. Either they die, or the perpetrator leaves.

There are more victims of domestic violence than we can imagine. It is not easy to convince them to run for safety. Without tremendous tact, victims may retreat into their shells, and perpetrators may block your access to the victims. As someone who seeks to help victims, I’ve learned it is not always wise to confront the perpetrator. They typically have financial and mental holds on the victims, and until you can gently sever those holds, the victims will not leave.

As a psychiatrist, I can tell you it sometimes takes years to rescue a victim of domestic violence. Many have made sense of their abuser’s behavior—they have come to accept it as normal and established faulty coping skills to deal with it. Many are also ashamed or in denial. Because most victims are typically not yet ready to leave their relationships when we first meet, my focus is always on their safety. I work with them to find immediate ways to prevent violent episodes while we gently work on more long-term goals, such as changing their mindset and finding alternative resources. Victims need to be able to guarantee their safety and survival before they can leave, and that takes time to plan. 

Most perpetrators threaten to destroy the victims, to kill them, or to take their children from them. Someone who has never experienced domestic violence could never imagine the bondage these victims endure. They live in real fear! In a society like ours, where the money follows the custodian of the kids, many perpetrators will do anything to defame the victim as an unfit parent. The lying perpetrator then gains control of the children, and by extension the victim. The perpetrator may even collect child support from the victim.  

I once met someone who was a victim of domestic violence for years. While she was pregnant with her third child, she discovered her husband was cheating on her, and he became violent again. She threatened to leave and take the kids with her. A few weeks after that incident, her husband deliberately provoked her into an argument early one Saturday morning. He secretly recorded her, called the police behind her back, and told them that he was afraid for his safety and the safety of the children. The woman only learned of this when the police walked into the kitchen and informed her they were there to commit her. She became irate and struggled with them, which only collaborated her abuser’s story. 

This woman was taken to a mental hospital, where she stayed for weeks because she was so angry she fought with everyone. She finally calmed down and explained her story to the doctors, but it was too late. Her husband had not only filed for divorce, but had also filed a restraining order against her. He used her hospitalization against her, insisting she was unfit to be a mother. He also filed for custody of the baby after the mother gave birth. As this story demonstrates, rescuing a victim from domestic violence must be done with care and knowledge. 

Continue reading part B.

Defiling the Marriage Bed Part B

We need to guard our hearts, because out of our hearts flows our lives. Whatever you focus on long enough, you will desire. If care is not taken in the above situation, it could lead to the husband seeking out "real life" women similar to those he watches on the "adult sites." Most adult sites feature a specific and generally unattainable style of beauty, which can create unrealistic expectations for the viewers’ wives, especially after they’ve carried a few children in their wombs. Eventually, many pornography viewers will stray when just watching no longer suffices. If you window shop long enough, you will end up buying things that you don't need.

This man was out of control, and they needed prompt intervention. No one is infallible, so she needed to be careful as she approached others for help. I mentioned that a member of clergy could be helpful, and that certain counselors are trained in this disorder. I added that I had treated some clergy members with this same disorder, and that being clergy did not make them immune to this disorder, as none is above temptation. 

If you are facing a similar situation, here are some other helpful tips:

• If you need to spice up your marriage bed, first rest, unplug, and make sure there are no medical or psychological issues causing intimacy fatigue. High blood pressure, diabetes, alcoholism, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, weight gain, medication side effects, low testosterone, andropause, and menopause can all make sex more challenging.
• Seek medical or psychological help if needed. A woman who has been raped or traumatized in the past might have issues with intimacy.
• Do not batter each other for intimacy or withhold intimacy to punish each other.
• Changing the time of intimacy to when both parties are well-rested can do wonders for improving the quality. 
• A short getaway without the children can rekindle an exhausted intimate relationship. 
• Flirting with your spouse throughout the day can create anticipatory excitement.
• As with all other addictions, pornography addiction steals your desires and creates obsessions that eventually change the circuits of the brain.
• Communication is of utmost importance. Talk about your needs between the sheets in a sensitive manner rather than an accusatory one. Help each other know and uncover what works and what doesn't. It takes two to tango!
• Engage other senses. Exciting new textures and scents can aid intimacy.
• Ensure the safety of vulnerable ones such as children, household employees, and house guests. 
• Too many times, sexual addiction and alcoholism go hand in hand. This is a lethal combination because alcoholism disinhibits. When people drink, they say and do things that they normally would not do.

"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (KJV)

If you tolerate pornography in your marriage, you are indirectly inviting a third party into you bed. Do not undermine the power of imagination. Every single action starts with an imagination, and eventually someone will want the real thing. Even advertisers know that, so be wise! 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28 (KJV)

We all know that as a man thinks, so is he! Be aware this issue is higher than most people know. But there is help available, both from God and fellow humans.

May the Lord keep us from temptations and deliver us from evil. Pray for each other. Three is a crowd; the marriage bed was made for only two!

Defiling the Marriage Bed Part A

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

Years ago, a colleague at work was fired for viewing pornography on the company's internet. He happened to be a clergyman and would always engage me in discussions regarding the Bible. Apart from work, he spent most of his spare time in church helping children. I watched in utter disbelief, with my mouth wide open, as his position was terminated and he was escorted out of the building. I always thought of him as a good man. Was he a good man with bad judgment, like other cases I had dealt with before? Different thoughts raced through my mind as he left. I wondered what excuse he was going to give to his wife for his termination. Worse still, I wondered if his step-daughters and other children had ever fallen victim to this bad habit.

On my arrival at home, I continued to worry about what would become of his family. Our babysitter, on realizing how deeply troubled and distracted I was, questioned me about my day. I shared with her what had happened at work and my subsequent concerns. Suddenly, our babysitter’s demeanor changed drastically, the wind going out of her sails. Her face turned red and she looked as if she was going to have a panic attack. She became emotional, and it was my turn to inquire about the reason for the sudden change in her mood. After catching her breath, she sat in a comfortable position and narrated her ordeal. 

For many years, her husband had been a brilliant executive with a promising future at a big company that paid him quite well. They lived the American dream: a lovely house in the suburbs for their three children. She was the stay-at-home soccer mom who worked behind the scenes to keep the family together and comfortable. Then, out of the blue, her husband lost his promising executive job. 

As a result, they lost their financial stability, which led to them also losing their home—the most material thing that they owned. He had claimed that his boss accused him wrongfully of watching pornography on the job but that it was just one of those "pop-ups" from an inappropriate website. He initially succeeded in pulling the wool over her eyes—until she uncovered adult material on his laptop and cell phone. He soon got suspended from his new job within a couple of weeks of his start date because he was exchanging "inappropriate" photographs via the new company's email. This was the family’s dirty little secret. How were they going to tell family and friends that her husband, an elder in the Church, had such a problem?

The babysitter said in her husband's opinion, the whole saga was victimless! "It was just on the internet." As she pondered on his "victimless crime” perspective, it didn’t hold up to what she was seeing: a once financially stable family now struggling to make ends meet. She was at a crossroads at whether to reach out for counseling in the church or seek professional help. She added that intimacy was strained as her husband’s demands of her between the sheets were becoming more absurd.

Here is a summary of my advice to her: pornographic addiction, like any addiction, leads to loss of control and obsessive thoughts, which eventually will lead to corresponding actions. His pornography addiction was not harmless because it eventually cost him his job, his family’s home, and now his intimacy with his wife.

Continue reading part B.

Understanding the Victim Part C

It is important to also understand the cycle of abuse to help make sense of why people stay in abusive relationships and how to help them escape. To the outside observer, there is nothing good about the relationship with domestic violence. I hate to burst your bubble, but that is just not true. For the most part, the abuser has ways of keeping the victim hooked, and the victim has valid reasons for not leaving. Unless both are addressed the cycle will continue.

Phase I is the pre-abuse phase called the “tension building” phase. Typically there will be a communication breakdown, relationship issues, financial problems, holidays, or visit with the in-laws or a friend that builds tension. Typically the abuser will withdraw or get more verbally aggressive.

Phase II is the incident or action phase. The abuse occurs after the tension reaches a climax.

Phase III is the honeymoon or reconciliatory phase. The abuser apologizes, expresses sorrow, even cries. But of course, they also blame the victim for doing this to them. Abusers often buy the victims gifts, take them on vacation, and wine and dine them to make up for the abuse.

Phase IV is the phase of peace and calmness between the honeymoon phase and the return of the tension-building phase.

More than 95% of the lifespan of abusive relationships happen in phases III and IV!  The abusive incidents themselves are a tiny percent of the relationship, making it hard for the victim to forget the 95% good times for the 5% bad times, no matter how bad that 5% is.

Can you understand why the victim forgives and forgets so easily? To begin to understand the abusive relationship and intervene, one must first address the whole relationship, not just the abuse. (Of course, an emergency life threatening situation is the exception to this rule). One must also understand which phase of relationship the couple is in. It is easier for the victim to make a change just before or during the abuse (in phases I and II) than during the honeymoon and calm phases.

I hope you now understand why your loved one cannot just leave their abuser!