Understanding the Victim Part C

It is important to also understand the cycle of abuse to help make sense of why people stay in abusive relationships and how to help them escape. To the outside observer, there is nothing good about the relationship with domestic violence. I hate to burst your bubble, but that is just not true. For the most part, the abuser has ways of keeping the victim hooked, and the victim has valid reasons for not leaving. Unless both are addressed the cycle will continue.

Phase I is the pre-abuse phase called the “tension building” phase. Typically there will be a communication breakdown, relationship issues, financial problems, holidays, or visit with the in-laws or a friend that builds tension. Typically the abuser will withdraw or get more verbally aggressive.

Phase II is the incident or action phase. The abuse occurs after the tension reaches a climax.

Phase III is the honeymoon or reconciliatory phase. The abuser apologizes, expresses sorrow, even cries. But of course, they also blame the victim for doing this to them. Abusers often buy the victims gifts, take them on vacation, and wine and dine them to make up for the abuse.

Phase IV is the phase of peace and calmness between the honeymoon phase and the return of the tension-building phase.

More than 95% of the lifespan of abusive relationships happen in phases III and IV!  The abusive incidents themselves are a tiny percent of the relationship, making it hard for the victim to forget the 95% good times for the 5% bad times, no matter how bad that 5% is.

Can you understand why the victim forgives and forgets so easily? To begin to understand the abusive relationship and intervene, one must first address the whole relationship, not just the abuse. (Of course, an emergency life threatening situation is the exception to this rule). One must also understand which phase of relationship the couple is in. It is easier for the victim to make a change just before or during the abuse (in phases I and II) than during the honeymoon and calm phases.

I hope you now understand why your loved one cannot just leave their abuser!