Stopping Domestic Violence Part B

This issue can be even more complicated sometimes for Christian victims, which is why I decided to write this article from a Christian perspective. Domestic violence can often be predicted and prevented. If I can’t save every victim, I hope I can prevent some people from becoming victims in the first place.

Take off the rose-colored glasses before you marry. Check out your spouse-to-be’s family, friends, and legal background for a history of violence. Alcohol and drug use can also increase the risk of violence, so look for signs of that as well. Certain medical and psychiatric conditions can increase the risk of domestic violence, so do your research if you are aware of any conditions they may have. Even innocuous-seeming problems can lead to violence, such as sports-related head injuries.

Violence is the work of the flesh, like lust. For the most part, violence is acquired through our environment, upbringing, culture, and society. Violence can be unlearned by acquiring temperance and self-control. Studies show that children raised in abusive homes tend to end up in abusive relationships, either as the victim or the abuser. Consider this: if a person grows up in an abusive home where every disagreement ended in violence, or where women are controlled by beating them to submission, what kind of relationship do you think this person will expect as an adult?

Provocation can increase the risk of domestic violence. Almost everyone, under certain circumstances, can be provoked to anger. The Bible tells us not to provoke each other. Although each person is responsible for their own actions, a person experiencing domestic violence is not powerless. Practicing de-escalation techniques and avoiding deliberately provoking or arguing with the abuser can help keep the victim safe until they are ready to leave. 

Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. Galatians 5:25-26

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Drugs and alcohol use increase the risk of domestic violence. Certain medical conditions and medications can increase agitation and violence. A few examples are head injury, stroke, hyperthyroidism, PMS, steroids, and stimulants. Even prescribed drugs and legal substances can alter the mind. Alcohol leads to disinhibition, which can, in turn, lead to violence. Even the Bible writes about this.

Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise. Proverbs 20:1

Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? Proverbs 23:29

Mental illness can increase the risk for domestic violence. Certain mental illnesses can lead to violence. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD, trauma, and severe anxiety are among conditions that can increase the risk for violence. Thank God for advances in medicine! These and many other mental conditions can now be managed, reducing the risk of violence. However, some people’s conditions are so severe it can be challenging to manage them medically. When that happens, turning to Jesus is paramount. According to the Bible, the mad man of Gadara was so violent that he could not be tamed until Jesus delivered him.

Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him. Mark 5:4

Society and culture can increase the risk of domestic violence. If violence against women is the norm in a culture, domestic violence is much more likely. Laws and policies must protect victims, and social services and resources must be able to help victims get back on their feet once they escape. It is especially important for the Church to speak out against domestic violence, rather than telling women to return home and be more submissive. Pastors should help couples get to the root issues causing domestic violence, especially if violence is prevalence in their congregations.

Relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence. Did you know certain relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence?

Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul. Proverbs 22: 24-25

Self-control can prevent violence in the home. Part of maturity is self-control, even in frightening situations. Be honest with yourself—where are you in this journey to self-control? Are you able to practice de-escalation techniques, or do you find yourself “fighting fire with fire”? Where is your spouse in this journey? Are they still easily angered?

De-escalation techniques can prevent violence in the home. For the most part, domestic violence is a learned behavior. This is good news, as it means it can frequently be prevented by both parties. Every single relationship has a risk of domestic violence, some more than others, so we all must work actively to prevent relationship violence. Learning specific techniques to de-escalate tense situations can prevent arguments from turning to violence.

Temperance can prevent violence in the home. Like self-control, temperance is also a learned behavior. It requires the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as maturity, selflessness, self-discipline, and self-awareness to avoid and control anger. We all need to learn to rule over our anger. The Bible tells us that we can all acquire temperance and patience if we really want to!

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Proverbs 16-32

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.  2 Peter 1:5-7

Walking in the Spirit can prevent violence in the home. The closer you are to God, the easier it will be to act like Him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5 22-26.

Finally, when you are considering marriage, take heed not to be unequally yoked. Make sure you have not only the same belief system, but also the same value system. Ensure you and your partner have the same point of reference (the Bible), and that Christ is the center of the relationship. Although this cannot guarantee a violence-free relationship, it can help create a partnership open to correction and transformation when problems arise. 

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Stopping Domestic Violence Part A

Truth be told, most victims of domestic violence never leave of their own volition. Either they die, or the perpetrator leaves.

There are more victims of domestic violence than we can imagine. It is not easy to convince them to run for safety. Without tremendous tact, victims may retreat into their shells, and perpetrators may block your access to the victims. As someone who seeks to help victims, I’ve learned it is not always wise to confront the perpetrator. They typically have financial and mental holds on the victims, and until you can gently sever those holds, the victims will not leave.

As a psychiatrist, I can tell you it sometimes takes years to rescue a victim of domestic violence. Many have made sense of their abuser’s behavior—they have come to accept it as normal and established faulty coping skills to deal with it. Many are also ashamed or in denial. Because most victims are typically not yet ready to leave their relationships when we first meet, my focus is always on their safety. I work with them to find immediate ways to prevent violent episodes while we gently work on more long-term goals, such as changing their mindset and finding alternative resources. Victims need to be able to guarantee their safety and survival before they can leave, and that takes time to plan. 

Most perpetrators threaten to destroy the victims, to kill them, or to take their children from them. Someone who has never experienced domestic violence could never imagine the bondage these victims endure. They live in real fear! In a society like ours, where the money follows the custodian of the kids, many perpetrators will do anything to defame the victim as an unfit parent. The lying perpetrator then gains control of the children, and by extension the victim. The perpetrator may even collect child support from the victim.  

I once met someone who was a victim of domestic violence for years. While she was pregnant with her third child, she discovered her husband was cheating on her, and he became violent again. She threatened to leave and take the kids with her. A few weeks after that incident, her husband deliberately provoked her into an argument early one Saturday morning. He secretly recorded her, called the police behind her back, and told them that he was afraid for his safety and the safety of the children. The woman only learned of this when the police walked into the kitchen and informed her they were there to commit her. She became irate and struggled with them, which only collaborated her abuser’s story. 

This woman was taken to a mental hospital, where she stayed for weeks because she was so angry she fought with everyone. She finally calmed down and explained her story to the doctors, but it was too late. Her husband had not only filed for divorce, but had also filed a restraining order against her. He used her hospitalization against her, insisting she was unfit to be a mother. He also filed for custody of the baby after the mother gave birth. As this story demonstrates, rescuing a victim from domestic violence must be done with care and knowledge. 

Continue reading part B.

Understanding the Victim Part C

It is important to also understand the cycle of abuse to help make sense of why people stay in abusive relationships and how to help them escape. To the outside observer, there is nothing good about the relationship with domestic violence. I hate to burst your bubble, but that is just not true. For the most part, the abuser has ways of keeping the victim hooked, and the victim has valid reasons for not leaving. Unless both are addressed the cycle will continue.

Phase I is the pre-abuse phase called the “tension building” phase. Typically there will be a communication breakdown, relationship issues, financial problems, holidays, or visit with the in-laws or a friend that builds tension. Typically the abuser will withdraw or get more verbally aggressive.

Phase II is the incident or action phase. The abuse occurs after the tension reaches a climax.

Phase III is the honeymoon or reconciliatory phase. The abuser apologizes, expresses sorrow, even cries. But of course, they also blame the victim for doing this to them. Abusers often buy the victims gifts, take them on vacation, and wine and dine them to make up for the abuse.

Phase IV is the phase of peace and calmness between the honeymoon phase and the return of the tension-building phase.

More than 95% of the lifespan of abusive relationships happen in phases III and IV!  The abusive incidents themselves are a tiny percent of the relationship, making it hard for the victim to forget the 95% good times for the 5% bad times, no matter how bad that 5% is.

Can you understand why the victim forgives and forgets so easily? To begin to understand the abusive relationship and intervene, one must first address the whole relationship, not just the abuse. (Of course, an emergency life threatening situation is the exception to this rule). One must also understand which phase of relationship the couple is in. It is easier for the victim to make a change just before or during the abuse (in phases I and II) than during the honeymoon and calm phases.

I hope you now understand why your loved one cannot just leave their abuser!

Domestic Violence Escape Checklist

Before you escape, make sure you have everything you need.

• IDs for you and your children
  • driver's license
  • birth certificates
  • passports
  • social security card
  • work papers or immigration papers)
• Spare keys
  • House
  • Car
  • storage locker
  • bank safe deposit box, etc. 
• Financial:
  • check book
  • credit cards
  • debit cards
  • safe deposit box info
  • cash (including coins)
• Personal address and phone notebook. List of access codes and passwords 
• Insurance info:
  • Health
  • Life
  • auto
  • home 
• Government account info
  • Medicare
  • food stamps
  • Medicaid
  • social security
• Records
  • School
  • Medical
  • marriage 
• Court orders
  • Marriage license
  • Separation agreement
  • Divorce
  • Protection
  • child custody 
• Proof of your partner's income (pay stub, etc.) 
• Prepaid cell phone (your normal cell phone may be traceable) and/or prepaid calling card
• Documentation of assets and liabilities
  • including titles
  • leases
  • house deeds
  • joint assets
  • credit cards
  • bank accounts (particularly those you own jointly with your abuser)
• Change of clothes for each person
• Medications and prescriptions for you, children and pets
• Personal hygiene items
  • Toothbrushes
  • feminine hygiene
  • diapers
  • deodorant
• Baby formula, toys and blankets
• A few sentimental and/or valuable pictures, jewelry, keepsakes 
• Pictures of family which include the abuser 
• Abuser's personal information
  • date of birth
  • social security number
  • work permit information
  • place of employment
  • description of vehicle (including license plate number)
  • good photo of the abuser

Understanding the Victim Part B

Like it or not, there are usually some benefits to the abusive relationship. We can’t help the victim leave unless we come to terms with their reality and find ways of replacing those benefits, as they might be essential to the victim’s survival. Understanding the financial, cultural, social, and safety implications for the victim is key. If a woman is totally dependent on a man for finances, shelter, car, health insurance, and food, and if you can’t find a different way for her to have those things, she might figure it’s better to keep her head down and keep a comfortable life for herself and her kids.

Many women stay in abusive relationships because of their kids. Some are afraid of the outcome of a custody battle if they try to leave. Others want the father to pay for the private school tuition and give the kids a decent lifestyle. I recall one victim, who stayed with her own abusive husband, said she grew up in an abusive home because her mother refused to divorce her father. Despite the abuse, the woman's mother stayed because of religious beliefs and worries about how the social stigma of divorce might affect her children. She also wanted their father to send them to good private schools. Hence my patient was compelled to make the same “sacrifices” for her kids, and that was her justification for staying in an abusive relationship for decades. She chose to treat the ensuing depression and anxiety while remaining married, because she felt as a mother that her kids deserved their father and mother living under the same roof. 

You would think that victims of extreme violence would be the first to seek escape. However, those victims are usually so engulfed in fear that they are incapacitated and cannot move. This type of fear is especially common amongst victims who have been dehumanized, particularly those forced into other relationships, such as bestiality, prostitution, or group sex. One such victim recalled that a new level of fear overcame her after her spouse shot their dog in front of her to prove he was serious about killing her if she did not cooperate. He also showed her evidence that he was tracking her every move. It took her years to get help. She waited until she knew the coast was clear and he did not have enough time to kill her if she attempted to report him. This window of opportunity came when he flew to another state to attend his mother's funeral. After confirming he was at the church three states away and distracted by the funeral, she finally had enough courage to run to the police station for help. She was convinced that if she was within reach, he would have simply killed her and her kids.

Another phenomenon I see amongst working women is the intense shame and disbelief, the need to fix the relationship or change the abuser. After the first episode of abuse, these women fight harder to hold on, as they cannot reconcile in their minds that with all their achievements and independence, they’ve somehow become victims of abuse. So they simply live in denial and make excuses, fearing the effects leaving would have on their reputation or public persona. This is seen commonly in professional women. They conceal the abuse to keep up appearances of success at home and at work.

I have also heard of men staying because of immigration concerns, where the woman was the one who filled out the immigration documents on his behalf. Immigrant couples are frequently socially isolated; imagine how much more isolated an abuse victim might be without any kind of social support or network? This is even worse when a language barrier exists. I recall a woman who reported her husband for domestic violence. The police took him to jail, and it eventually affected his professional license and ability to work in his field of study. His income dropped by almost 75%, and he was not able to provide for his immediate family here nor his extended family back in Africa. Everyone turned against this woman, including her family, for affecting the livelihood of her husband. Even the church accused her of depriving him of his livelihood! Men in her social network stopped their wives from befriending her, for fear she would corrupt them. She became so socially isolated she considered taking her life.

Continue reading part C