Understanding the Victim Part B
/Like it or not, there are usually some benefits to the abusive relationship. We can’t help the victim leave unless we come to terms with their reality and find ways of replacing those benefits, as they might be essential to the victim’s survival. Understanding the financial, cultural, social, and safety implications for the victim is key. If a woman is totally dependent on a man for finances, shelter, car, health insurance, and food, and if you can’t find a different way for her to have those things, she might figure it’s better to keep her head down and keep a comfortable life for herself and her kids.
Many women stay in abusive relationships because of their kids. Some are afraid of the outcome of a custody battle if they try to leave. Others want the father to pay for the private school tuition and give the kids a decent lifestyle. I recall one victim, who stayed with her own abusive husband, said she grew up in an abusive home because her mother refused to divorce her father. Despite the abuse, the woman's mother stayed because of religious beliefs and worries about how the social stigma of divorce might affect her children. She also wanted their father to send them to good private schools. Hence my patient was compelled to make the same “sacrifices” for her kids, and that was her justification for staying in an abusive relationship for decades. She chose to treat the ensuing depression and anxiety while remaining married, because she felt as a mother that her kids deserved their father and mother living under the same roof.
You would think that victims of extreme violence would be the first to seek escape. However, those victims are usually so engulfed in fear that they are incapacitated and cannot move. This type of fear is especially common amongst victims who have been dehumanized, particularly those forced into other relationships, such as bestiality, prostitution, or group sex. One such victim recalled that a new level of fear overcame her after her spouse shot their dog in front of her to prove he was serious about killing her if she did not cooperate. He also showed her evidence that he was tracking her every move. It took her years to get help. She waited until she knew the coast was clear and he did not have enough time to kill her if she attempted to report him. This window of opportunity came when he flew to another state to attend his mother's funeral. After confirming he was at the church three states away and distracted by the funeral, she finally had enough courage to run to the police station for help. She was convinced that if she was within reach, he would have simply killed her and her kids.
Another phenomenon I see amongst working women is the intense shame and disbelief, the need to fix the relationship or change the abuser. After the first episode of abuse, these women fight harder to hold on, as they cannot reconcile in their minds that with all their achievements and independence, they’ve somehow become victims of abuse. So they simply live in denial and make excuses, fearing the effects leaving would have on their reputation or public persona. This is seen commonly in professional women. They conceal the abuse to keep up appearances of success at home and at work.
I have also heard of men staying because of immigration concerns, where the woman was the one who filled out the immigration documents on his behalf. Immigrant couples are frequently socially isolated; imagine how much more isolated an abuse victim might be without any kind of social support or network? This is even worse when a language barrier exists. I recall a woman who reported her husband for domestic violence. The police took him to jail, and it eventually affected his professional license and ability to work in his field of study. His income dropped by almost 75%, and he was not able to provide for his immediate family here nor his extended family back in Africa. Everyone turned against this woman, including her family, for affecting the livelihood of her husband. Even the church accused her of depriving him of his livelihood! Men in her social network stopped their wives from befriending her, for fear she would corrupt them. She became so socially isolated she considered taking her life.