Preventing Domestic Violence Part B

To ensure you are on the same page and to avoid confusion, God defined the kind of love to be expected in a marriage. This love defined is beyond romantic love, but is God’s kind of Love, agape love—the kind Jesus has for the church. As Ephesians 5 explains:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
•    The man’s love is sacrificial.

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 
•    Love cleanses and sanctifies with kind words, not verbal abuse.

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
•    Love builds us up, removing our spots, wrinkles, and blemishes.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
•    This love is selfless.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 
•    Love that nourishes and cherishes your body will not beat you up.

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 
•    The man should see you as part of him and carry you along in all decisions.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 
•    Your opinions should matter more than those of the buddies, father, mother, sister or brother.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 
•    Marriage is a mysterious and spiritual transaction that needs the supernatural input of God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit to succeed. This is why it is important to go into marriage with someone who is yielded to God and shares the same spiritual DNA with you, someone who is born again.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
* A woman needs to ensure she marries a man who loves her the way Christ loves the Church, a genuine God-lover and -server. She is commanded to revere her husband. Behavior, actions, upbringing, relationships, and words during courtship must never be ignored, but should be prayerfully examined as the holy spirit might be trying to warn you. Never forget that submission to your husband is a commandment of God, which is why every woman must look carefully before taking the leap into marriage. Don't get carried away by the fairytale weddings and social pressures. If in doubt, do not marry him!

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 
•    A woman is commanded to submit unto her husband as unto the Lord! If you don't trust or respect him, do not marry him so that you don't have to fall into disobedience.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. thing.
•    The husband is the head of the wife and the savior of the body. If you are the savior of the body, you cannot destroy the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
•    The woman is subject to the husband in everything. As a Christian woman, are you ready to be subject to this person in all things? If you are dating a lunatic, woman-beater, male chauvinist, drug user, drunkard, porn addict, or just someone who exhibits poor judgement, yet you still want to marry him, please do yourself a favor: apply the brakes!

Let me say that marrying a Christian who loves you doesn't mean you will never experience setbacks or even abuse in your marriage. Even Christians stray from the Word and are sometimes disobedient. However, at least it gives you the right foundation, which means you’ll have a fighting chance thanks to Jesus being on the same boat with you. It also gives you a yardstick of what to expect and helps you set standards that we all ought to work on attaining. 

No Christian is perfect. We are all works in progress. But every true Christian acknowledges the supremacy of God’s word in all situations, using the Bible for instruction and direction.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

So to those who are unequally yoked or yoked to someone in disobedience, (assuming your safety is not in question) the Bible has a way out:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. (1 Peter 3:1-4)

As I said in one of my other articles, some abuse can be prevented and some cannot. If you can avoid the triggers of abuse in your relationship, still want to fight for your marriage, and are not at risk of violence, 1 Peter 3:1-4 gives clear guidelines on how to influence your unbelieving husband. However, if your life (or the life of your dependent ones) are in danger, it might be necessary to separate and seek help or a protective order while you let the Holy Spirit guides you to the next step.

Continue reading part C.

Preventing Domestic Violence Part A

After years of offering marital counseling to Christian couples, it has become apparent to me that many people don't understand what marriage is—they have the wrong foundation. So many women marry the wrong man for the wrong reasons: age, finances, fairytale weddings, and so on.  So many people proceed with the marriage despite domestic violence during the courtship period. 

I recall one beautiful woman, a financially independent professional in her early 30s, who told me she couldn't call off the wedding with her abusive, cheating fiancé because their fairytale destination wedding was already booked. She said she was a Christian, but she didn't even know what God said about marriage. Her definition of love was what looked cute, and her man was a very attractive man. On digging further, I learned she started dating him as his “side chick,” when he was engaged to be married to one of the ladies in her church. He eventually decided to dump the other lady for her. Even without bringing Christianity into this, this was a man who clearly lacked character! But she was willing to proceed with the wedding, and needless to say, it was less than a year after the wedding she ended up back in my office with a broken nose. The first exercise I did was ask her to define love. This was a very challenging task, as her definition was limited to what she’d observed at home as a child. Her father had cheated on her mother many times, resulting in two other children out of wedlock, and her mother endured severe domestic and verbal abuse. This had become my patient’s norm as an adult. It took a lot of work to help her redefine love the way God ordained it to be, but we eventually succeeded.

Would you believe me if I told you many marriages are loveless? I was shocked at this discovery! What many people celebrate and call love is not true, unconditional love that can stand the test of time, as God intended for marriages. What many celebrate is romantic love, which is sensual and conditional but not strong enough to withstand the challenges of marriage. What we ought to seek out in our life partners is agape love—God’s kind of love. Agape love is much more resistant to the challenges of life.

How does this apply to domestic violence, you might ask? The Bible tells us that men ought to love their wives like their own body. If they do that, they will not hit or destroy their wives.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.  Ephesians 5-28-30

Love means different things to different people. It is expressed differently in different cultures, and many times what one partner defines as love is different from what the other person expects. Most people define love as they experienced it while growing up, so if they grew up in an abusive home, where the father bullied and abused the mother, they will probably expect the same in their marriage. 

To avoid repeating this cycle of abuse, people must make a conscious choice and undergo a mind transformation through Bible study. This is also true in other unhealthy environments, such as if the mother was very manipulative and spent all the family’s money on herself.  Or if material love was the only kind shown, that will become an adult’s yardstick and language of love.

Keep reading part B