VIDEO: Living through crazy love

/
Learn and consider the secrets of domestic violence as you follow Leslie from the Ivy League through a violent relationship, reaching the power to break the secrecy and silence, and as she recovers a healthy future. Leslie Morgan Steiner's memoir about surviving domestic violence, Crazy Love, was a New York Times bestseller, People Pick, and Book of the Week for The Week magazine.

Stopping Domestic Violence Part B

/

This issue can be even more complicated sometimes for Christian victims, which is why I decided to write this article from a Christian perspective. Domestic violence can often be predicted and prevented. If I can’t save every victim, I hope I can prevent some people from becoming victims in the first place.

Take off the rose-colored glasses before you marry. Check out your spouse-to-be’s family, friends, and legal background for a history of violence. Alcohol and drug use can also increase the risk of violence, so look for signs of that as well. Certain medical and psychiatric conditions can increase the risk of domestic violence, so do your research if you are aware of any conditions they may have. Even innocuous-seeming problems can lead to violence, such as sports-related head injuries.

Violence is the work of the flesh, like lust. For the most part, violence is acquired through our environment, upbringing, culture, and society. Violence can be unlearned by acquiring temperance and self-control. Studies show that children raised in abusive homes tend to end up in abusive relationships, either as the victim or the abuser. Consider this: if a person grows up in an abusive home where every disagreement ended in violence, or where women are controlled by beating them to submission, what kind of relationship do you think this person will expect as an adult?

Provocation can increase the risk of domestic violence. Almost everyone, under certain circumstances, can be provoked to anger. The Bible tells us not to provoke each other. Although each person is responsible for their own actions, a person experiencing domestic violence is not powerless. Practicing de-escalation techniques and avoiding deliberately provoking or arguing with the abuser can help keep the victim safe until they are ready to leave. 

Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. Galatians 5:25-26

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Drugs and alcohol use increase the risk of domestic violence. Certain medical conditions and medications can increase agitation and violence. A few examples are head injury, stroke, hyperthyroidism, PMS, steroids, and stimulants. Even prescribed drugs and legal substances can alter the mind. Alcohol leads to disinhibition, which can, in turn, lead to violence. Even the Bible writes about this.

Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise. Proverbs 20:1

Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? Proverbs 23:29

Mental illness can increase the risk for domestic violence. Certain mental illnesses can lead to violence. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD, trauma, and severe anxiety are among conditions that can increase the risk for violence. Thank God for advances in medicine! These and many other mental conditions can now be managed, reducing the risk of violence. However, some people’s conditions are so severe it can be challenging to manage them medically. When that happens, turning to Jesus is paramount. According to the Bible, the mad man of Gadara was so violent that he could not be tamed until Jesus delivered him.

Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him. Mark 5:4

Society and culture can increase the risk of domestic violence. If violence against women is the norm in a culture, domestic violence is much more likely. Laws and policies must protect victims, and social services and resources must be able to help victims get back on their feet once they escape. It is especially important for the Church to speak out against domestic violence, rather than telling women to return home and be more submissive. Pastors should help couples get to the root issues causing domestic violence, especially if violence is prevalence in their congregations.

Relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence. Did you know certain relationships can increase the risk of domestic violence?

Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul. Proverbs 22: 24-25

Self-control can prevent violence in the home. Part of maturity is self-control, even in frightening situations. Be honest with yourself—where are you in this journey to self-control? Are you able to practice de-escalation techniques, or do you find yourself “fighting fire with fire”? Where is your spouse in this journey? Are they still easily angered?

De-escalation techniques can prevent violence in the home. For the most part, domestic violence is a learned behavior. This is good news, as it means it can frequently be prevented by both parties. Every single relationship has a risk of domestic violence, some more than others, so we all must work actively to prevent relationship violence. Learning specific techniques to de-escalate tense situations can prevent arguments from turning to violence.

Temperance can prevent violence in the home. Like self-control, temperance is also a learned behavior. It requires the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as maturity, selflessness, self-discipline, and self-awareness to avoid and control anger. We all need to learn to rule over our anger. The Bible tells us that we can all acquire temperance and patience if we really want to!

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Proverbs 16-32

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.  2 Peter 1:5-7

Walking in the Spirit can prevent violence in the home. The closer you are to God, the easier it will be to act like Him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5 22-26.

Finally, when you are considering marriage, take heed not to be unequally yoked. Make sure you have not only the same belief system, but also the same value system. Ensure you and your partner have the same point of reference (the Bible), and that Christ is the center of the relationship. Although this cannot guarantee a violence-free relationship, it can help create a partnership open to correction and transformation when problems arise. 

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15