Stopping Domestic Violence Part A

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Truth be told, most victims of domestic violence never leave of their own volition. Either they die, or the perpetrator leaves.

There are more victims of domestic violence than we can imagine. It is not easy to convince them to run for safety. Without tremendous tact, victims may retreat into their shells, and perpetrators may block your access to the victims. As someone who seeks to help victims, I’ve learned it is not always wise to confront the perpetrator. They typically have financial and mental holds on the victims, and until you can gently sever those holds, the victims will not leave.

As a psychiatrist, I can tell you it sometimes takes years to rescue a victim of domestic violence. Many have made sense of their abuser’s behavior—they have come to accept it as normal and established faulty coping skills to deal with it. Many are also ashamed or in denial. Because most victims are typically not yet ready to leave their relationships when we first meet, my focus is always on their safety. I work with them to find immediate ways to prevent violent episodes while we gently work on more long-term goals, such as changing their mindset and finding alternative resources. Victims need to be able to guarantee their safety and survival before they can leave, and that takes time to plan. 

Most perpetrators threaten to destroy the victims, to kill them, or to take their children from them. Someone who has never experienced domestic violence could never imagine the bondage these victims endure. They live in real fear! In a society like ours, where the money follows the custodian of the kids, many perpetrators will do anything to defame the victim as an unfit parent. The lying perpetrator then gains control of the children, and by extension the victim. The perpetrator may even collect child support from the victim.  

I once met someone who was a victim of domestic violence for years. While she was pregnant with her third child, she discovered her husband was cheating on her, and he became violent again. She threatened to leave and take the kids with her. A few weeks after that incident, her husband deliberately provoked her into an argument early one Saturday morning. He secretly recorded her, called the police behind her back, and told them that he was afraid for his safety and the safety of the children. The woman only learned of this when the police walked into the kitchen and informed her they were there to commit her. She became irate and struggled with them, which only collaborated her abuser’s story. 

This woman was taken to a mental hospital, where she stayed for weeks because she was so angry she fought with everyone. She finally calmed down and explained her story to the doctors, but it was too late. Her husband had not only filed for divorce, but had also filed a restraining order against her. He used her hospitalization against her, insisting she was unfit to be a mother. He also filed for custody of the baby after the mother gave birth. As this story demonstrates, rescuing a victim from domestic violence must be done with care and knowledge. 

Continue reading part B.

Defiling the Marriage Bed Part B

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We need to guard our hearts, because out of our hearts flows our lives. Whatever you focus on long enough, you will desire. If care is not taken in the above situation, it could lead to the husband seeking out "real life" women similar to those he watches on the "adult sites." Most adult sites feature a specific and generally unattainable style of beauty, which can create unrealistic expectations for the viewers’ wives, especially after they’ve carried a few children in their wombs. Eventually, many pornography viewers will stray when just watching no longer suffices. If you window shop long enough, you will end up buying things that you don't need.

This man was out of control, and they needed prompt intervention. No one is infallible, so she needed to be careful as she approached others for help. I mentioned that a member of clergy could be helpful, and that certain counselors are trained in this disorder. I added that I had treated some clergy members with this same disorder, and that being clergy did not make them immune to this disorder, as none is above temptation. 

If you are facing a similar situation, here are some other helpful tips:

  • If you need to spice up your marriage bed, first rest, unplug, and make sure there are no medical or psychological issues causing intimacy fatigue. High blood pressure, diabetes, alcoholism, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, weight gain, medication side effects, low testosterone, andropause, and menopause can all make sex more challenging.
  • Seek medical or psychological help if needed. A woman who has been raped or traumatized in the past might have issues with intimacy.
  • Do not batter each other for intimacy or withhold intimacy to punish each other.
  • Changing the time of intimacy to when both parties are well-rested can do wonders for improving the quality. 
  • A short getaway without the children can rekindle an exhausted intimate relationship. 
  • Flirting with your spouse throughout the day can create anticipatory excitement.
  • As with all other addictions, pornography addiction steals your desires and creates obsessions that eventually change the circuits of the brain.
  • Communication is of utmost importance. Talk about your needs between the sheets in a sensitive manner rather than an accusatory one. Help each other know and uncover what works and what doesn't. It takes two to tango!
  • Engage other senses. Exciting new textures and scents can aid intimacy.
  • Ensure the safety of vulnerable ones such as children, household employees, and house guests. 
  • Too many times, sexual addiction and alcoholism go hand in hand. This is a lethal combination because alcoholism disinhibits. When people drink, they say and do things that they normally would not do.
"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (KJV)

If you tolerate pornography in your marriage, you are indirectly inviting a third party into you bed. Do not undermine the power of imagination. Every single action starts with an imagination, and eventually someone will want the real thing. Even advertisers know that, so be wise! 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28 (KJV)

We all know that as a man thinks, so is he! Be aware this issue is higher than most people know. But there is help available, both from God and fellow humans.

May the Lord keep us from temptations and deliver us from evil. Pray for each other. Three is a crowd; the marriage bed was made for only two!

Defiling the Marriage Bed Part A

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Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

Years ago, a colleague at work was fired for viewing pornography on the company's internet. He happened to be a clergyman and would always engage me in discussions regarding the Bible. Apart from work, he spent most of his spare time in church helping children. I watched in utter disbelief, with my mouth wide open, as his position was terminated and he was escorted out of the building. I always thought of him as a good man. Was he a good man with bad judgment, like other cases I had dealt with before? Different thoughts raced through my mind as he left. I wondered what excuse he was going to give to his wife for his termination. Worse still, I wondered if his step-daughters and other children had ever fallen victim to this bad habit.

On my arrival at home, I continued to worry about what would become of his family. Our babysitter, on realizing how deeply troubled and distracted I was, questioned me about my day. I shared with her what had happened at work and my subsequent concerns. Suddenly, our babysitter’s demeanor changed drastically, the wind going out of her sails. Her face turned red and she looked as if she was going to have a panic attack. She became emotional, and it was my turn to inquire about the reason for the sudden change in her mood. After catching her breath, she sat in a comfortable position and narrated her ordeal. 

For many years, her husband had been a brilliant executive with a promising future at a big company that paid him quite well. They lived the American dream: a lovely house in the suburbs for their three children. She was the stay-at-home soccer mom who worked behind the scenes to keep the family together and comfortable. Then, out of the blue, her husband lost his promising executive job. 

As a result, they lost their financial stability, which led to them also losing their home—the most material thing that they owned. He had claimed that his boss accused him wrongfully of watching pornography on the job but that it was just one of those "pop-ups" from an inappropriate website. He initially succeeded in pulling the wool over her eyes—until she uncovered adult material on his laptop and cell phone. He soon got suspended from his new job within a couple of weeks of his start date because he was exchanging "inappropriate" photographs via the new company's email. This was the family’s dirty little secret. How were they going to tell family and friends that her husband, an elder in the Church, had such a problem?

The babysitter said in her husband's opinion, the whole saga was victimless! "It was just on the internet." As she pondered on his "victimless crime” perspective, it didn’t hold up to what she was seeing: a once financially stable family now struggling to make ends meet. She was at a crossroads at whether to reach out for counseling in the church or seek professional help. She added that intimacy was strained as her husband’s demands of her between the sheets were becoming more absurd.

Here is a summary of my advice to her: pornographic addiction, like any addiction, leads to loss of control and obsessive thoughts, which eventually will lead to corresponding actions. His pornography addiction was not harmless because it eventually cost him his job, his family’s home, and now his intimacy with his wife.

Continue reading part B.