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It is important to also understand the cycle of abuse to help make sense of why people stay in abusive relationships and how to help them escape. To the outside observer, there is nothing good about the relationship with domestic violence. I hate to burst your bubble, but that is just not true. For the most part, the abuser has ways of keeping the victim hooked, and the victim has valid reasons for not leaving. Unless both are addressed the cycle will continue.
Phase I is the pre-abuse phase called the “tension building” phase. Typically there will be a communication breakdown, relationship issues, financial problems, holidays, or visit with the in-laws or a friend that builds tension. Typically the abuser will withdraw or get more verbally aggressive.
Phase II is the incident or action phase. The abuse occurs after the tension reaches a climax.
Phase III is the honeymoon or reconciliatory phase. The abuser apologizes, expresses sorrow, even cries. But of course, they also blame the victim for doing this to them. Abusers often buy the victims gifts, take them on vacation, and wine and dine them to make up for the abuse.
Phase IV is the phase of peace and calmness between the honeymoon phase and the return of the tension-building phase.
More than 95% of the lifespan of abusive relationships happen in phases III and IV! The abusive incidents themselves are a tiny percent of the relationship, making it hard for the victim to forget the 95% good times for the 5% bad times, no matter how bad that 5% is.
Can you understand why the victim forgives and forgets so easily? To begin to understand the abusive relationship and intervene, one must first address the whole relationship, not just the abuse. (Of course, an emergency life threatening situation is the exception to this rule). One must also understand which phase of relationship the couple is in. It is easier for the victim to make a change just before or during the abuse (in phases I and II) than during the honeymoon and calm phases.
I hope you now understand why your loved one cannot just leave their abuser!
Before you escape, make sure you have everything you need.
Have we all thought that we could sleep better? Can we solve sleep? Dr. Vyga Kaufmann discusses just what sleep disorders are and what tools you have to sleep better tonight. Hint: no square screens anywhere near your bed.
*Video from TEDx Talks*
Like it or not, there are usually some benefits to the abusive relationship. We can’t help the victim leave unless we come to terms with their reality and find ways of replacing those benefits, as they might be essential to the victim’s survival. Understanding the financial, cultural, social, and safety implications for the victim is key. If a woman is totally dependent on a man for finances, shelter, car, health insurance, and food, and if you can’t find a different way for her to have those things, she might figure it’s better to keep her head down and keep a comfortable life for herself and her kids.
Many women stay in abusive relationships because of their kids. Some are afraid of the outcome of a custody battle if they try to leave. Others want the father to pay for the private school tuition and give the kids a decent lifestyle. I recall one victim, who stayed with her own abusive husband, said she grew up in an abusive home because her mother refused to divorce her father. Despite the abuse, the woman's mother stayed because of religious beliefs and worries about how the social stigma of divorce might affect her children. She also wanted their father to send them to good private schools. Hence my patient was compelled to make the same “sacrifices” for her kids, and that was her justification for staying in an abusive relationship for decades. She chose to treat the ensuing depression and anxiety while remaining married, because she felt as a mother that her kids deserved their father and mother living under the same roof.
You would think that victims of extreme violence would be the first to seek escape. However, those victims are usually so engulfed in fear that they are incapacitated and cannot move. This type of fear is especially common amongst victims who have been dehumanized, particularly those forced into other relationships, such as bestiality, prostitution, or group sex. One such victim recalled that a new level of fear overcame her after her spouse shot their dog in front of her to prove he was serious about killing her if she did not cooperate. He also showed her evidence that he was tracking her every move. It took her years to get help. She waited until she knew the coast was clear and he did not have enough time to kill her if she attempted to report him. This window of opportunity came when he flew to another state to attend his mother's funeral. After confirming he was at the church three states away and distracted by the funeral, she finally had enough courage to run to the police station for help. She was convinced that if she was within reach, he would have simply killed her and her kids.
Another phenomenon I see amongst working women is the intense shame and disbelief, the need to fix the relationship or change the abuser. After the first episode of abuse, these women fight harder to hold on, as they cannot reconcile in their minds that with all their achievements and independence, they’ve somehow become victims of abuse. So they simply live in denial and make excuses, fearing the effects leaving would have on their reputation or public persona. This is seen commonly in professional women. They conceal the abuse to keep up appearances of success at home and at work.
I have also heard of men staying because of immigration concerns, where the woman was the one who filled out the immigration documents on his behalf. Immigrant couples are frequently socially isolated; imagine how much more isolated an abuse victim might be without any kind of social support or network? This is even worse when a language barrier exists. I recall a woman who reported her husband for domestic violence. The police took him to jail, and it eventually affected his professional license and ability to work in his field of study. His income dropped by almost 75%, and he was not able to provide for his immediate family here nor his extended family back in Africa. Everyone turned against this woman, including her family, for affecting the livelihood of her husband. Even the church accused her of depriving him of his livelihood! Men in her social network stopped their wives from befriending her, for fear she would corrupt them. She became so socially isolated she considered taking her life.
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