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What is the likelihood that someone in your inner circle is being abused? In a gathering of any 10 women, at least 3 are likely being abused, while in a gathering of 10 men, at least 2 men are likely being abused. Can you believe that? Next time you gather in a group think beyond the façade, and just imagine how many are victims of abuse. When you go to the grocery store next time, or sit down in church, or take a walk in your neighborhood, or wait in line at your kids’ school, think behind the façade for a minute. How many of these people you interact with daily are victims of domestic violence? And these statistics only cover abuse that happens in the USA; just imagine what is happening in the developing world were victims have little or no legal recourse!
Here is an excerpt from the website of the Nation Coalition of Domestic Violence:
DID YOU KNOW?
• In the United States, 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute on average. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually.
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner.
• 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been severely physically abused by an intimate partner.
• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked. Stalking causes the target to fear she/he or someone close to her/him will be harmed or killed.
• On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive approximately 20,800 calls.
• The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.
• Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.
• Intimate partner violence is most common among women between the ages of 18-24.
• 19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon.
• Please follow the link below for more details:
http://ncadv.org/images/Domestic%20Violence.pdf
It is not uncommon to see a patient after a domestic violence attack, to nurse them back to health, only for them to drop out of treatment or miss an appointment because they made up with their abuser. Often, they’ve received a reconciliatory gift of a new car, expensive jewelry, or a trip to an exotic location. These gifts typically make things right for many victims. I also recall friends who are victims of domestic violence announcing pregnancies shortly after an episode. Yes, the human mind is indeed complex! How can you ever make sense of something like this?
Over the years, I have heard extremely disturbing cases of abuse, including women who were locked up in a room naked for days without food, women who were driven out of their homes naked, women who were forced into drugs, bestiality, or group sex. I’ve heard of women threatening to destroy a man's career if he reported abuse and abusive women feigning injuries to get their male victims locked up. Yet many of these victims do not leave the abuser. I have even heard men say, “You know, as crazy as she is, she will take me to the cleaners and take everything I have, so it is actually ‘cheaper to keep her.’”
I have also learned that the episodic abuse is different from the relationship as a whole; this fact is useful and helps one understand why the victims struggle to leave! To the observer, the abuser is this horrible person who only beats up the partner. To the victim, the abuser fulfills many roles in their lives. The roles and responsibilities may include spouse, parent to their kids, best friend, support system, financial partner, anchor, breadwinner, provider, spiritual leader, or head of the house who must be obeyed. If the victim tries to leave, they could face severe social, cultural, financial, and spiritual backlash—to name just a few types.
Child sexual abuse is more common than we think. Every allegation must be thoroughly investigated, and all victims of sexual abuse must be encouraged to come forward. The committee handling the investigation must do so with the highest level of confidentiality and sensitivity, without shaming or blaming the victim so as not to traumatize them yet again. At the same time, we must also bear in mind that every accused person is innocent until proven otherwise.
Victims of sexual abuse typically carry a lot of guilt and shame, which is why so many do not come forward. Many are afraid of stigmatization and other repercussions. In a society like ours that is all about hiding our dirty laundry and avoiding public shame, it might be necessary to engage parents with letters encouraging them to ask their daughters if they have been victims of sexual abuse. Most girls will be reluctant to come forward without their parents’ support.
Another phenomenon common in victims of sexual abuse is avoidance of the traumatic event. They avoid talking about the trauma and would rather not relive the pain of the violation of their body, integrity, and soul. They would rather just put it behind them. Unveiling a traumatic event can be quite disturbing for the victim, hence the need to have professional support in place for the victims as they come forward.
This is a serious issue that persists even today. I hope this article sheds more light on child sexual abuse:
https://rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse#
Power Foods for the Brain Dr. Barnard has led numerous research studies investigating the effects of diet on diabetes, body weight, and chronic pain, including a groundbreaking study of dietary interventions in type 2 diabetes, funded by the National Institutes of Health. Dr. Barnard has authored over 70 scientific publications as well as 17 books.
Video from TEDx Talks
With the divorce rate so high, it is important to revisit the structure of a marriage, the way God ordained it to be. After all, marriage was God’s idea, so who better to refer to for an understanding of His intent and purpose than God and His word? We know for certain that only God can build a home. If we try to do it without Him, we do it in vain.
Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. Psalm 127:1
Like with everything in life, marriages have evolved over time based on cultural beliefs and societal norms. Some people define marriage as a partnership, and others define it as a team. What was God’s original plan for marriage?
According to Webster's dictionary, a "partnership" is defined as “a legal relationship existing between two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a business.” People with different goals can go into a partnership. Let’s use a baseball stadium as our example. The hotdog stand, popcorn stand, owner of the stadium, and various baseball teams all work in partnership. Some goals are common, and others are not.
• The goal to have a high fan turnout is a common goal to all members of the partnership, one that is beneficial to all parties.
• The hotdog stand might have opposing goals with the popcorn stand. They might be in direct competition with each other, since buying hotdog means not buying popcorn and vice versa.
• Some goals are mutually exclusive, e.g., every team wants to win.
• The stadium owner is neutral. His only goal is to sell tickets; he probably doesn’t care who wins!
Many marriages are partnerships, where the man and woman both want different things they cannot otherwise achieve individually. The man might want a trophy wife because of his status in society so he may marry the most beautiful woman within his reach—not necessarily because he cares for her, but because he cares for the respect he gets from other men for having such a beautiful woman as his wife. On the other hand, a woman might want a fairy-tale wedding, a ring, a status boost, financial security, or have her kids.
In my years in the field of psychiatry, I have come across people marrying for many different reasons. Some couples marry because they look good together and will make beautiful babies, some marry for material gains, some marry for immigration reasons. Too many marriages are partnerships. The danger of partnership marriages is that once one party fails to fulfill their end of the bargain. Or, once a better offer comes, the other partner will become dissatisfied, possibly even breaking the partnership and moving on. I recall one woman who went into an abusive relationship with a man, simply because they were a physically good-looking couple and she wanted a fairy-tale wedding. As long as both members of the partnership can fulfill their side of the obligation, the partnership marriage may survive. Some women will stay as long as the man puts a roof over their heads and gives them the credit card to spend. They may even turn a blind eye to his flirting.
A team, on the other hand, has a common goal: to win! They want to accomplish the shared goal, so they do not compete amongst themselves because they are in it together. They both understand they are "bone of each other's bone and flesh of each other's flesh." God’s plan for marriage is oneness. Like the different parts of the body, both team members have different functions and roles, but all are equal in importance.
And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:23-25
God's intention for marriage is a team with oneness in purpose! God thoughtfully formed the woman to ensure she was suitable help for the man. Remember that God and Adam first looked amongst the animals and found none suitable to man before God decided to form woman from man's ribs. The Apostle Paul further discusses marriage, man and woman becoming one, in Ephesians.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. Ephesians 5: 28-29
As a physician, I will tell you that every single part of our body is there for a purpose. Every part is absolutely needed to help the body function optimally. The parts of a team are no different!
A wise woman will build her home and help her family win. A wise man will appreciate his wife as his helper and thanks God for favoring him.
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 24:3-4
As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a lovely woman who lacks discretion. Proverbs 11:22
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.Proverbs 12:4
Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18
For he who finds me finds life And obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 8:35
House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14
An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Proverbs 31:10
In conclusion, here are some questions to pray over and meditate on:
• Is God the builder of your home?
• Are you building according to His plan?
• Are you a team or a partnership?
• Do you have a common goal with your spouse or are you in competition with one another?
• Do you complement each other, where one is weak the other is strong?
• Do you see your differences as a weakness or as a strength?
• Are you flesh of the same flesh or bone of the same bone?
• As a woman, are you building or pulling down your home?
• Are you contentious to your husband? Do you shame him or put him down?
• As a man, do you appreciate God’s favor in your life by celebrating the woman he gave you instead of beating her or putting her down? Do you appreciate she is there to make your life easier? Do you nourish her and take care of her like your own flesh and mother of your children? (You don’t want a wounded, damaged, terrified woman raising your kids!)
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