Elegance From Within

What label do you wear? Versace? Coco Chanel? LV? Prada? Payless?

Where do you shop? Saks Fifth Avenue? Dillard’s? Walmart? Aldi? 

Many people in the church have joined the people in the world in measuring elegance by the labels we wear, the cars we drive, the size of our bank accounts, the size of our homes, the friends we keep, the schools we attend, and even the relationships we enter. We are in this world, but we are not supposed to be of it!

Our yardstick as Christians must be different than nonbelievers’. The Bible is quite clear on this: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious (1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV)

As Christians, we must strike a good balance. We can enjoy the occasional material possession, but we must understand fundamentally that our elegance comes from within us. It starts with a good understanding of whom we are—and whose we are!

Before the fall in the Garden of Eden, the Bible tells us that Adam and Eve were naked but not ashamed. They had that genuine elegance from within. They were covered with God's glory, God's own designer label, so they were truly naked but were unashamed. After eating the forbidden fruit, they became conscious of their nakedness, prompting God to ask who told them they were naked. Their own attempt to dress with fig leaves was not good enough, so God, being good and gracious, decided to shed the blood of an animal and use the skin to cover them. The blood that was shed pointed to the future shedding of Christ’s blood for the remission of our sins—for our justification, our righteousness, and the restoration of our lost glory. Those who are in Christ have access to that same glory Adam and Even had in the Eden, when they were naked but unashamed.

We need to be aware of the wiles of the devil. Many times, he attacks Christians by condemning, criticizing, and guilting us over our past or present situations. His ultimate goal is to separate us from the source of our glory, which is God. As a psychiatrist, I know that one of the worst emotions is shame. Shame makes us hide from our family, friends, churches, and callings. Many women, even those with material abundance, do not feel at peace because of issues such as divorce, abortion, barrenness, past rape, marital status, or financial status. Some of these women live in the biggest houses and have the fattest bank accounts, yet they are so insecure! Their fine linens, Brazilian hair, designer shoes and bags, and expensive perfumes—it's all simply a façade. They are often insecure, even though to the ordinary eyes they look elegant.

Don't get me wrong: there is nothing wrong with wanting the finest things in life, as long as you are enjoying them and not stressing about acquiring them. Esther prepared herself with the finest oil and perfume before meeting the king, and Joseph cleaned up before meeting with Pharaoh, but both people met with God first. Joseph knew whose he was, and that is how he carried himself through all the years of adversity. Esther waited on the Lord before meeting with the king. Even the Bible says that people judge the external, but God judges the heart.

It is good to be elegantly dressed, but don’t forget that we make the dresses elegant, not the other way around. We are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, ambassadors of Christ, and the apple of God’s eyes. We are blessed and highly favored. We are the ones who add value to the clothes, and not that the clothes add value to us. No, we add value to that home, that car, that restaurant. We are the carrier of God’s glory. I always tell my kids that they make the clothes look better, and not that the clothes that make them look better. I always remind them that their true value is from above! 

True elegance starts from within. It starts with fellowship with our Maker, with gaining familiarity with who He is and who He says we are. Elegance is guarding your heart and surrounding yourself with Godly friends who affirm you, not “friends” who condemn you. Elegance is beauty from within that radiates outside. No one can kill the light from within!

So, who do you wear? Prada? Gucci? Brahmin? Versace? Christ? Christ has favored and graced you, so please wear Him well!

Preventing Domestic Violence Part C

Is there hope after domestic violence?

Many people jump to conclusions and say no, there is never hope after a domestic violence incident. I neither agree or disagree with that perspective. I want to keep it real. I have worked with many couples who, after one or two episodes of violence, sought help. Many go on to have an abuse-free marriage afterward; others continue in the abuse.

No abuse is acceptable, but occasionally it happens nonetheless. The important thing is what we learn from the initial episode and how that determines the next steps. After doing an initial risk assessment to rule out danger to life or injury, a professional assesses for triggers. 

Some violence can be avoided in certain situations once the triggers are identified, managed, and avoided. These factors might include depression, anxiety, PMS, medication, alcohol use, or provocation. These are some scenarios I have seen:

• A man starts a new medication that affects his mood and hits his wife without maiming her or killing her. Afterward, he is remorseful and gets help readjusting his new medication.
• A woman has bipolar disorder and is off her medication. She becomes agitated and aggressive and slaps her husband. Afterward, she goes back on medication and is fine. The abuse never reoccurs.
• Newlyweds get into an argument. The man tries to escape by going for a drive because he is seeing another side of his wife he never knew existed, but the wife keeps getting into his personal space, which aggravates him. She finally blocks him from leaving by throwing herself in from of him, because she doesn't want him to drive off in the middle of a stormy night. He shoves her out of the way forcefully. After therapy, they both agree that if he walks into the room and locks the door behind him, she should not follow, as that is a sign that he wants his space. 
• A woman whose father was violent gets married. Whenever her husband raises his voice and comes into her personal space, she is triggered into flashbacks of the childhood abuse. Her flight or fight response takes over and she attacks her husband. By treating her trauma and helping her husband identify her triggers, they can avoid a reoccurrence.
• A man falls sick and starts steroids. He becomes aggressive, but after stopping the steroids, he never hits his wife again.
• Someone who hardly drinks gets drunk and brawls with their partner. Now they know that alcohol is a trigger, and avoiding it also means avoiding future violent incidents.
• A man under financial stress is triggered by his wife’s PMS and lashes out. They identify their limits and prevent a repeat episode.

Certain topics are provocative, so couples must negotiate how to approach such topics without triggering each other. Some might agree to write about them, while others might agree to only discuss such topics in the safety of a professional’s or pastor’s office. “Safety first” is the first rule of domestic violence. 

There are situations when the stakes are too high to keep trying to make things work, such as domestic violence that involves knives, guns, or other dangerous objects. Other high-risk situations may involve a lack of remorse and understanding from the abuser, ongoing addiction, threats of bodily injury, vulnerable dependents, unsafe sexual practices, or coerced bestiality. These situations might mean the abuser is too dangerous to live with. At a bare minimum, separation might be necessary to save the victim’s life. Imagine a couple who attack each other with broken bottles every time they fight. Isn’t it just a matter of time before one or both parties are maimed or killed? Or imagine a situation where addiction is present. While one or both people are intoxicated, anything can happen. When the mind is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, people have altered perception and judgment. I have heard of situations where abusers have forced victims to use drugs, practice unsafe sexual activities, or even engage in bestiality. 

Any practice that puts another person’s safety in question, be it physically, legally, or emotionally, should not be tolerated. If staying with a partner means your mental health is so compromised you get anxious, depressed, or suicidal, that relationship might need a break.
Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your body is the temple of God and needs to be respected. Under no circumstance is it acceptable for you to be destroyed or killed!  God needs you, the world needs you, and your family needs you. You cannot let anybody destroy God’s wonderful creation: you!

Finally, remember the woman caught in the act of adultery, which justified her being stoned in that time period. Despite her sin, Jesus protected her from being stoned, from being killed violently. Likewise, the woman at the well had been married numerous times and endured public ridicule, yet Jesus was extremely kind to her. Mary Magdalene was delivered from many demons and embraced by Christ. No matter what your story is, you are the apple of His eyes and deserve to be treated well.

So, is there hope after abuse? Maybe. Only God knows your partner’s heart, so everything should be taken to Him in prayer. Genuine willingness to change can be differentiated from false promises through the following elements: genuine grief over the abuse, genuine repentance, admission of wrongdoing, taking real steps toward change, requesting help from Godly counsel, and seeking services from qualified professionals. But if your life or well-being is at risk, always put your safety first, no matter how genuine your partner seems!

…And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthian 7: 9-10)

Other things to consider before making the decision to stay:

•    Is this the only problem area in the relationship?
•    Is the abuse predictable enough to truly be preventable in future?
•    Are there plans in place to avoid a reoccurrence, for example, compliance with medications, avoidance of alcohol, anger management, or better communication skills? 
•    Is it truly a single event, or is it habitual, genetic, cultural, or environmental? 
•    Are you genuinely happy in this relationship, for the most part? 
•    Are you both opening, willing, and committed to getting help?

Preventing Domestic Violence Part B

To ensure you are on the same page and to avoid confusion, God defined the kind of love to be expected in a marriage. This love defined is beyond romantic love, but is God’s kind of Love, agape love—the kind Jesus has for the church. As Ephesians 5 explains:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
•    The man’s love is sacrificial.

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 
•    Love cleanses and sanctifies with kind words, not verbal abuse.

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
•    Love builds us up, removing our spots, wrinkles, and blemishes.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
•    This love is selfless.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 
•    Love that nourishes and cherishes your body will not beat you up.

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 
•    The man should see you as part of him and carry you along in all decisions.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 
•    Your opinions should matter more than those of the buddies, father, mother, sister or brother.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 
•    Marriage is a mysterious and spiritual transaction that needs the supernatural input of God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit to succeed. This is why it is important to go into marriage with someone who is yielded to God and shares the same spiritual DNA with you, someone who is born again.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
* A woman needs to ensure she marries a man who loves her the way Christ loves the Church, a genuine God-lover and -server. She is commanded to revere her husband. Behavior, actions, upbringing, relationships, and words during courtship must never be ignored, but should be prayerfully examined as the holy spirit might be trying to warn you. Never forget that submission to your husband is a commandment of God, which is why every woman must look carefully before taking the leap into marriage. Don't get carried away by the fairytale weddings and social pressures. If in doubt, do not marry him!

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 
•    A woman is commanded to submit unto her husband as unto the Lord! If you don't trust or respect him, do not marry him so that you don't have to fall into disobedience.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. thing.
•    The husband is the head of the wife and the savior of the body. If you are the savior of the body, you cannot destroy the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
•    The woman is subject to the husband in everything. As a Christian woman, are you ready to be subject to this person in all things? If you are dating a lunatic, woman-beater, male chauvinist, drug user, drunkard, porn addict, or just someone who exhibits poor judgement, yet you still want to marry him, please do yourself a favor: apply the brakes!

Let me say that marrying a Christian who loves you doesn't mean you will never experience setbacks or even abuse in your marriage. Even Christians stray from the Word and are sometimes disobedient. However, at least it gives you the right foundation, which means you’ll have a fighting chance thanks to Jesus being on the same boat with you. It also gives you a yardstick of what to expect and helps you set standards that we all ought to work on attaining. 

No Christian is perfect. We are all works in progress. But every true Christian acknowledges the supremacy of God’s word in all situations, using the Bible for instruction and direction.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

So to those who are unequally yoked or yoked to someone in disobedience, (assuming your safety is not in question) the Bible has a way out:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. (1 Peter 3:1-4)

As I said in one of my other articles, some abuse can be prevented and some cannot. If you can avoid the triggers of abuse in your relationship, still want to fight for your marriage, and are not at risk of violence, 1 Peter 3:1-4 gives clear guidelines on how to influence your unbelieving husband. However, if your life (or the life of your dependent ones) are in danger, it might be necessary to separate and seek help or a protective order while you let the Holy Spirit guides you to the next step.

Continue reading part C.

Stress Management

Stress Management

Stress.

We hear this word A LOT in the world we live in today.

It’s a word used to describe how we feel when we have a lot on our plates, along with many expectations. Tests, deadlines, tension, jobs, and our futures are only some of the things that overwhelm us. We also carry stress around like a badge of honour, to show people how hardworking we are. I believe our generation is anxious and stressed, that is including me. In fact, stress has become a common and usual emotion for just about everyone.

Vignette

George is a professional who upon completion of the bar exams, has finally landed a coveted internship position at one of Oxfords highest acclaimed Law firms. His performance has been outstanding, and the senior manager on the service has already submitted an evaluation. Six months into the job however, it is noted that he arrives at work dishevelled, and is unable to concentrate at the senior staff meeting where promotions are discussed. Another senior manager, without knowledge of his declining performance sends him home to sleep it off, but over the next few months, his performance declines further, and it is recommended that he be excluded from the list of potential candidates for the promotion.

What factors do you think contributed to the decline in George’s performance?

What actions do you think would have prevented the outcome at the end of the first 6 months?

If you’re thinking stress management, then you’re thinking in line of this topic. Although ‘stress’ in itself is appraised differently from individual to individual, for example, I might find rollercoasters exhilarating, but my best friend completely loathes the idea of theme parks appalling.

Sometimes, it may seem like there’s nothing you can do about stress because unfortunately, bills need to be paid, assignments need done, the family responsibilities keep piling on and there will never be more hours in the day to do all we plan. But you have to realise that you have a lot more control than you might think. Much of the stress in our lives comes as a result of our insistence on maintaining the illusion of control. We so desperately want to be strong enough to handle the trials and tribulations of life that we literally drive ourselves into the ground rather than admit our desperate need. And often we find that God allows us to reach the breaking point for our own good. Only in those moments of rare clarity that come from bottoming out will we allow ourselves to admit how little control we actually have.

Below here are some of the tips recommended by top health experts on stress management1:

1.       Identify the sources of stress in your life

To start managing something, you have to identify the sources of it first. This isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. It’s all too easy to overlook how your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours contribute to your everyday stress levels. For example, Person A may know that she is constantly worried about her work deadlines, but she forgets that it is her procrastination, rather than the actual job demands, that is causing the stress.

2.       Start a stress journal

A stress journal can help you identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Think about the ways you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Your stress journal can help you identify them.  If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones.

3.       Get moving

When you’re stressed, the last thing you probably feel like doing is getting up and exercising. But physical activity is a huge stress reliever—and you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction from your daily worries.

4.       Connect with  others

From experience, I know that there is nothing more calming than spending quality time with another human being who makes you feel safe and understood. This can include family and friends, or even random strangers, who you might not know but might impact their lives. It is important to realise though that you are not talking to people to be able to ‘fix’ either you or your stress, but rather, these people are just there to listen.

5.       Make time for fun and relaxation

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. I dare you to have fun!

6.        Manage your time better

Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you’re stretched too thin and running behind, it’s hard to stay calm and focused.

-          Don't over-commit yourself, prioritize tasks and do the high-priority items first.  

-          Break your larger projects into small steps

-          Don’t be afraid to ask for help, delegate responsibility. You don’t have to do it all yourself. If other people can take care of the task, why not let them?

7.       Maintain balance with a healthy lifestyle

In addition to regular exercise, there are other healthy lifestyle choices that can increase your resistance to stress.

-          Eat a healthy diet. 

-          Reduce caffeine and sugar. 

-          Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary.

-          Get enough sleep. 

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