Understanding the Victim Part A

What is the likelihood that someone in your inner circle is being abused?  In a gathering of any 10 women, at least 3 are likely being abused, while in a gathering of 10 men, at least 2 men are likely being abused. Can you believe that? Next time you gather in a group think beyond the façade, and just imagine how many are victims of abuse. When you go to the grocery store next time, or sit down in church, or take a walk in your neighborhood, or wait in line at your kids’ school, think behind the façade for a minute. How many of these people you interact with daily are victims of domestic violence? And these statistics only cover abuse that happens in the USA; just imagine what is happening in the developing world were victims have little or no legal recourse!

Here is an excerpt from the website of the Nation Coalition of Domestic Violence:

DID YOU KNOW? 

            •           In the United States, 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute on average. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually.

            •           1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner.

            •           1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been severely physically abused by an intimate partner.

            •           1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked. Stalking causes the target to fear she/he or someone close to her/him will be harmed or killed.

            •           On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive approximately 20,800 calls.

            •           The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

            •           Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.

            •           Intimate partner violence is most common among women between the ages of 18-24.

            •           19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon. 

            •           Please follow the link below for more details:                                      

http://ncadv.org/images/Domestic%20Violence.pdf

It is not uncommon to see a patient after a domestic violence attack, to nurse them back to health, only for them to drop out of treatment or miss an appointment because they made up with their abuser. Often, they’ve received a reconciliatory gift of a new car, expensive jewelry, or a trip to an exotic location. These gifts typically make things right for many victims. I also recall friends who are victims of domestic violence announcing pregnancies shortly after an episode. Yes, the human mind is indeed complex! How can you ever make sense of something like this?

Over the years, I have heard extremely disturbing cases of abuse, including women who were locked up in a room naked for days without food, women who were driven out of their homes naked, women who were forced into drugs, bestiality, or group sex. I’ve heard of women threatening to destroy a man's career if he reported abuse and abusive women feigning injuries to get their male victims locked up. Yet many of these victims do not leave the abuser. I have even heard men say, “You know, as crazy as she is, she will take me to the cleaners and take everything I have, so it is actually ‘cheaper to keep her.’”

I have also learned that the episodic abuse is different from the relationship as a whole; this fact is useful and helps one understand why the victims struggle to leave! To the observer, the abuser is this horrible person who only beats up the partner. To the victim, the abuser fulfills many roles in their lives. The roles and responsibilities may include spouse, parent to their kids, best friend, support system, financial partner, anchor, breadwinner, provider, spiritual leader, or head of the house who must be obeyed. If the victim tries to leave, they could face severe social, cultural, financial, and spiritual backlash—to name just a few types.

Continue reading Part B

Stress Management

Stress Management

Stress.

We hear this word A LOT in the world we live in today.

It’s a word used to describe how we feel when we have a lot on our plates, along with many expectations. Tests, deadlines, tension, jobs, and our futures are only some of the things that overwhelm us. We also carry stress around like a badge of honour, to show people how hardworking we are. I believe our generation is anxious and stressed, that is including me. In fact, stress has become a common and usual emotion for just about everyone.

Vignette

George is a professional who upon completion of the bar exams, has finally landed a coveted internship position at one of Oxfords highest acclaimed Law firms. His performance has been outstanding, and the senior manager on the service has already submitted an evaluation. Six months into the job however, it is noted that he arrives at work dishevelled, and is unable to concentrate at the senior staff meeting where promotions are discussed. Another senior manager, without knowledge of his declining performance sends him home to sleep it off, but over the next few months, his performance declines further, and it is recommended that he be excluded from the list of potential candidates for the promotion.

What factors do you think contributed to the decline in George’s performance?

What actions do you think would have prevented the outcome at the end of the first 6 months?

If you’re thinking stress management, then you’re thinking in line of this topic. Although ‘stress’ in itself is appraised differently from individual to individual, for example, I might find rollercoasters exhilarating, but my best friend completely loathes the idea of theme parks appalling.

Sometimes, it may seem like there’s nothing you can do about stress because unfortunately, bills need to be paid, assignments need done, the family responsibilities keep piling on and there will never be more hours in the day to do all we plan. But you have to realise that you have a lot more control than you might think. Much of the stress in our lives comes as a result of our insistence on maintaining the illusion of control. We so desperately want to be strong enough to handle the trials and tribulations of life that we literally drive ourselves into the ground rather than admit our desperate need. And often we find that God allows us to reach the breaking point for our own good. Only in those moments of rare clarity that come from bottoming out will we allow ourselves to admit how little control we actually have.

Below here are some of the tips recommended by top health experts on stress management1:

1.       Identify the sources of stress in your life

To start managing something, you have to identify the sources of it first. This isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. It’s all too easy to overlook how your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours contribute to your everyday stress levels. For example, Person A may know that she is constantly worried about her work deadlines, but she forgets that it is her procrastination, rather than the actual job demands, that is causing the stress.

2.       Start a stress journal

A stress journal can help you identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Think about the ways you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Your stress journal can help you identify them.  If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones.

3.       Get moving

When you’re stressed, the last thing you probably feel like doing is getting up and exercising. But physical activity is a huge stress reliever—and you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction from your daily worries.

4.       Connect with  others

From experience, I know that there is nothing more calming than spending quality time with another human being who makes you feel safe and understood. This can include family and friends, or even random strangers, who you might not know but might impact their lives. It is important to realise though that you are not talking to people to be able to ‘fix’ either you or your stress, but rather, these people are just there to listen.

5.       Make time for fun and relaxation

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. I dare you to have fun!

6.        Manage your time better

Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you’re stretched too thin and running behind, it’s hard to stay calm and focused.

-          Don't over-commit yourself, prioritize tasks and do the high-priority items first.  

-          Break your larger projects into small steps

-          Don’t be afraid to ask for help, delegate responsibility. You don’t have to do it all yourself. If other people can take care of the task, why not let them?

7.       Maintain balance with a healthy lifestyle

In addition to regular exercise, there are other healthy lifestyle choices that can increase your resistance to stress.

-          Eat a healthy diet. 

-          Reduce caffeine and sugar. 

-          Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary.

-          Get enough sleep.