Domestic Violence Escape Checklist

Before you escape, make sure you have everything you need.

• IDs for you and your children
  • driver's license
  • birth certificates
  • passports
  • social security card
  • work papers or immigration papers)
• Spare keys
  • House
  • Car
  • storage locker
  • bank safe deposit box, etc. 
• Financial:
  • check book
  • credit cards
  • debit cards
  • safe deposit box info
  • cash (including coins)
• Personal address and phone notebook. List of access codes and passwords 
• Insurance info:
  • Health
  • Life
  • auto
  • home 
• Government account info
  • Medicare
  • food stamps
  • Medicaid
  • social security
• Records
  • School
  • Medical
  • marriage 
• Court orders
  • Marriage license
  • Separation agreement
  • Divorce
  • Protection
  • child custody 
• Proof of your partner's income (pay stub, etc.) 
• Prepaid cell phone (your normal cell phone may be traceable) and/or prepaid calling card
• Documentation of assets and liabilities
  • including titles
  • leases
  • house deeds
  • joint assets
  • credit cards
  • bank accounts (particularly those you own jointly with your abuser)
• Change of clothes for each person
• Medications and prescriptions for you, children and pets
• Personal hygiene items
  • Toothbrushes
  • feminine hygiene
  • diapers
  • deodorant
• Baby formula, toys and blankets
• A few sentimental and/or valuable pictures, jewelry, keepsakes 
• Pictures of family which include the abuser 
• Abuser's personal information
  • date of birth
  • social security number
  • work permit information
  • place of employment
  • description of vehicle (including license plate number)
  • good photo of the abuser

Understanding the Victim Part B

Like it or not, there are usually some benefits to the abusive relationship. We can’t help the victim leave unless we come to terms with their reality and find ways of replacing those benefits, as they might be essential to the victim’s survival. Understanding the financial, cultural, social, and safety implications for the victim is key. If a woman is totally dependent on a man for finances, shelter, car, health insurance, and food, and if you can’t find a different way for her to have those things, she might figure it’s better to keep her head down and keep a comfortable life for herself and her kids.

Many women stay in abusive relationships because of their kids. Some are afraid of the outcome of a custody battle if they try to leave. Others want the father to pay for the private school tuition and give the kids a decent lifestyle. I recall one victim, who stayed with her own abusive husband, said she grew up in an abusive home because her mother refused to divorce her father. Despite the abuse, the woman's mother stayed because of religious beliefs and worries about how the social stigma of divorce might affect her children. She also wanted their father to send them to good private schools. Hence my patient was compelled to make the same “sacrifices” for her kids, and that was her justification for staying in an abusive relationship for decades. She chose to treat the ensuing depression and anxiety while remaining married, because she felt as a mother that her kids deserved their father and mother living under the same roof. 

You would think that victims of extreme violence would be the first to seek escape. However, those victims are usually so engulfed in fear that they are incapacitated and cannot move. This type of fear is especially common amongst victims who have been dehumanized, particularly those forced into other relationships, such as bestiality, prostitution, or group sex. One such victim recalled that a new level of fear overcame her after her spouse shot their dog in front of her to prove he was serious about killing her if she did not cooperate. He also showed her evidence that he was tracking her every move. It took her years to get help. She waited until she knew the coast was clear and he did not have enough time to kill her if she attempted to report him. This window of opportunity came when he flew to another state to attend his mother's funeral. After confirming he was at the church three states away and distracted by the funeral, she finally had enough courage to run to the police station for help. She was convinced that if she was within reach, he would have simply killed her and her kids.

Another phenomenon I see amongst working women is the intense shame and disbelief, the need to fix the relationship or change the abuser. After the first episode of abuse, these women fight harder to hold on, as they cannot reconcile in their minds that with all their achievements and independence, they’ve somehow become victims of abuse. So they simply live in denial and make excuses, fearing the effects leaving would have on their reputation or public persona. This is seen commonly in professional women. They conceal the abuse to keep up appearances of success at home and at work.

I have also heard of men staying because of immigration concerns, where the woman was the one who filled out the immigration documents on his behalf. Immigrant couples are frequently socially isolated; imagine how much more isolated an abuse victim might be without any kind of social support or network? This is even worse when a language barrier exists. I recall a woman who reported her husband for domestic violence. The police took him to jail, and it eventually affected his professional license and ability to work in his field of study. His income dropped by almost 75%, and he was not able to provide for his immediate family here nor his extended family back in Africa. Everyone turned against this woman, including her family, for affecting the livelihood of her husband. Even the church accused her of depriving him of his livelihood! Men in her social network stopped their wives from befriending her, for fear she would corrupt them. She became so socially isolated she considered taking her life.

Continue reading part C

Is Marriage a Partnership or a Team?

With the divorce rate so high, it is important to revisit the structure of a marriage, the way God ordained it to be. After all, marriage was God’s idea, so who better to refer to for an understanding of His intent and purpose than God and His word? We know for certain that only God can build a home. If we try to do it without Him, we do it in vain. 

Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. Psalm 127:1

Like with everything in life, marriages have evolved over time based on cultural beliefs and societal norms. Some people define marriage as a partnership, and others define it as a team. What was God’s original plan for marriage?

According to Webster's dictionary, a "partnership" is defined as “a legal relationship existing between two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a business.” People with different goals can go into a partnership. Let’s use a baseball stadium as our example. The hotdog stand, popcorn stand, owner of the stadium, and various baseball teams all work in partnership. Some goals are common, and others are not.
•    The goal to have a high fan turnout is a common goal to all members of the partnership, one that is beneficial to all parties.
•    The hotdog stand might have opposing goals with the popcorn stand. They might be in direct competition with each other, since buying hotdog means not buying popcorn and vice versa.
•    Some goals are mutually exclusive, e.g., every team wants to win. 
•    The stadium owner is neutral. His only goal is to sell tickets; he probably doesn’t care who wins!

Many marriages are partnerships, where the man and woman both want different things they cannot otherwise achieve individually. The man might want a trophy wife because of his status in society so he may marry the most beautiful woman within his reach—not necessarily because he cares for her, but because he cares for the respect he gets from other men for having such a beautiful woman as his wife. On the other hand, a woman might want a fairy-tale wedding, a ring, a status boost, financial security, or have her kids. 

In my years in the field of psychiatry, I have come across people marrying for many different reasons. Some couples marry because they look good together and will make beautiful babies, some marry for material gains, some marry for immigration reasons. Too many marriages are partnerships. The danger of partnership marriages is that once one party fails to fulfill their end of the bargain. Or, once a better offer comes, the other partner will become dissatisfied, possibly even breaking the partnership and moving on.  I recall one woman who went into an abusive relationship with a man, simply because they were a physically good-looking couple and she wanted a fairy-tale wedding. As long as both members of the partnership can fulfill their side of the obligation, the partnership marriage may survive. Some women will stay as long as the man puts a roof over their heads and gives them the credit card to spend. They may even turn a blind eye to his flirting.

A team, on the other hand, has a common goal: to win! They want to accomplish the shared goal, so they do not compete amongst themselves because they are in it together.  They both understand they are "bone of each other's bone and flesh of each other's flesh." God’s plan for marriage is oneness. Like the different parts of the body, both team members have different functions and roles, but all are equal in importance. 

And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones, 
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:23-25

God's intention for marriage is a team with oneness in purpose! God thoughtfully formed the woman to ensure she was suitable help for the man. Remember that God and Adam first looked amongst the animals and found none suitable to man before God decided to form woman from man's ribs. The Apostle Paul further discusses marriage, man and woman becoming one, in Ephesians.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. Ephesians 5: 28-29

As a physician, I will tell you that every single part of our body is there for a purpose. Every part is absolutely needed to help the body function optimally. The parts of a team are no different!
A wise woman will build her home and help her family win. A wise man will appreciate his wife as his helper and thanks God for favoring him. 

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1   

Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 24:3-4

As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a lovely woman who lacks discretion. Proverbs 11:22
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.Proverbs 12:4

Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

For he who finds me finds life And obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 8:35

House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Proverbs 31:10

In conclusion, here are some questions to pray over and meditate on: 
•    Is God the builder of your home? 
•    Are you building according to His plan? 
•    Are you a team or a partnership? 
•    Do you have a common goal with your spouse or are you in competition with one another?
•    Do you complement each other, where one is weak the other is strong? 
•    Do you see your differences as a weakness or as a strength?
•    Are you flesh of the same flesh or bone of the same bone?
•    As a woman, are you building or pulling down your home? 
•    Are you contentious to your husband? Do you shame him or put him down? 
•    As a man, do you appreciate God’s favor in your life by celebrating the woman he gave you instead of beating her or putting her down? Do you appreciate she is there to make your life easier? Do you nourish her and take care of her like your own flesh and mother of your children? (You don’t want a wounded, damaged, terrified woman raising your kids!)

In all your getting, get understanding! 

Preventing Domestic Violence Part C

Is there hope after domestic violence?

Many people jump to conclusions and say no, there is never hope after a domestic violence incident. I neither agree or disagree with that perspective. I want to keep it real. I have worked with many couples who, after one or two episodes of violence, sought help. Many go on to have an abuse-free marriage afterward; others continue in the abuse.

No abuse is acceptable, but occasionally it happens nonetheless. The important thing is what we learn from the initial episode and how that determines the next steps. After doing an initial risk assessment to rule out danger to life or injury, a professional assesses for triggers. 

Some violence can be avoided in certain situations once the triggers are identified, managed, and avoided. These factors might include depression, anxiety, PMS, medication, alcohol use, or provocation. These are some scenarios I have seen:

• A man starts a new medication that affects his mood and hits his wife without maiming her or killing her. Afterward, he is remorseful and gets help readjusting his new medication.
• A woman has bipolar disorder and is off her medication. She becomes agitated and aggressive and slaps her husband. Afterward, she goes back on medication and is fine. The abuse never reoccurs.
• Newlyweds get into an argument. The man tries to escape by going for a drive because he is seeing another side of his wife he never knew existed, but the wife keeps getting into his personal space, which aggravates him. She finally blocks him from leaving by throwing herself in from of him, because she doesn't want him to drive off in the middle of a stormy night. He shoves her out of the way forcefully. After therapy, they both agree that if he walks into the room and locks the door behind him, she should not follow, as that is a sign that he wants his space. 
• A woman whose father was violent gets married. Whenever her husband raises his voice and comes into her personal space, she is triggered into flashbacks of the childhood abuse. Her flight or fight response takes over and she attacks her husband. By treating her trauma and helping her husband identify her triggers, they can avoid a reoccurrence.
• A man falls sick and starts steroids. He becomes aggressive, but after stopping the steroids, he never hits his wife again.
• Someone who hardly drinks gets drunk and brawls with their partner. Now they know that alcohol is a trigger, and avoiding it also means avoiding future violent incidents.
• A man under financial stress is triggered by his wife’s PMS and lashes out. They identify their limits and prevent a repeat episode.

Certain topics are provocative, so couples must negotiate how to approach such topics without triggering each other. Some might agree to write about them, while others might agree to only discuss such topics in the safety of a professional’s or pastor’s office. “Safety first” is the first rule of domestic violence. 

There are situations when the stakes are too high to keep trying to make things work, such as domestic violence that involves knives, guns, or other dangerous objects. Other high-risk situations may involve a lack of remorse and understanding from the abuser, ongoing addiction, threats of bodily injury, vulnerable dependents, unsafe sexual practices, or coerced bestiality. These situations might mean the abuser is too dangerous to live with. At a bare minimum, separation might be necessary to save the victim’s life. Imagine a couple who attack each other with broken bottles every time they fight. Isn’t it just a matter of time before one or both parties are maimed or killed? Or imagine a situation where addiction is present. While one or both people are intoxicated, anything can happen. When the mind is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, people have altered perception and judgment. I have heard of situations where abusers have forced victims to use drugs, practice unsafe sexual activities, or even engage in bestiality. 

Any practice that puts another person’s safety in question, be it physically, legally, or emotionally, should not be tolerated. If staying with a partner means your mental health is so compromised you get anxious, depressed, or suicidal, that relationship might need a break.
Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your body is the temple of God and needs to be respected. Under no circumstance is it acceptable for you to be destroyed or killed!  God needs you, the world needs you, and your family needs you. You cannot let anybody destroy God’s wonderful creation: you!

Finally, remember the woman caught in the act of adultery, which justified her being stoned in that time period. Despite her sin, Jesus protected her from being stoned, from being killed violently. Likewise, the woman at the well had been married numerous times and endured public ridicule, yet Jesus was extremely kind to her. Mary Magdalene was delivered from many demons and embraced by Christ. No matter what your story is, you are the apple of His eyes and deserve to be treated well.

So, is there hope after abuse? Maybe. Only God knows your partner’s heart, so everything should be taken to Him in prayer. Genuine willingness to change can be differentiated from false promises through the following elements: genuine grief over the abuse, genuine repentance, admission of wrongdoing, taking real steps toward change, requesting help from Godly counsel, and seeking services from qualified professionals. But if your life or well-being is at risk, always put your safety first, no matter how genuine your partner seems!

…And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthian 7: 9-10)

Other things to consider before making the decision to stay:

•    Is this the only problem area in the relationship?
•    Is the abuse predictable enough to truly be preventable in future?
•    Are there plans in place to avoid a reoccurrence, for example, compliance with medications, avoidance of alcohol, anger management, or better communication skills? 
•    Is it truly a single event, or is it habitual, genetic, cultural, or environmental? 
•    Are you genuinely happy in this relationship, for the most part? 
•    Are you both opening, willing, and committed to getting help?

Preventing Domestic Violence Part B

To ensure you are on the same page and to avoid confusion, God defined the kind of love to be expected in a marriage. This love defined is beyond romantic love, but is God’s kind of Love, agape love—the kind Jesus has for the church. As Ephesians 5 explains:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
•    The man’s love is sacrificial.

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 
•    Love cleanses and sanctifies with kind words, not verbal abuse.

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
•    Love builds us up, removing our spots, wrinkles, and blemishes.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
•    This love is selfless.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 
•    Love that nourishes and cherishes your body will not beat you up.

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 
•    The man should see you as part of him and carry you along in all decisions.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 
•    Your opinions should matter more than those of the buddies, father, mother, sister or brother.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 
•    Marriage is a mysterious and spiritual transaction that needs the supernatural input of God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit to succeed. This is why it is important to go into marriage with someone who is yielded to God and shares the same spiritual DNA with you, someone who is born again.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
* A woman needs to ensure she marries a man who loves her the way Christ loves the Church, a genuine God-lover and -server. She is commanded to revere her husband. Behavior, actions, upbringing, relationships, and words during courtship must never be ignored, but should be prayerfully examined as the holy spirit might be trying to warn you. Never forget that submission to your husband is a commandment of God, which is why every woman must look carefully before taking the leap into marriage. Don't get carried away by the fairytale weddings and social pressures. If in doubt, do not marry him!

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 
•    A woman is commanded to submit unto her husband as unto the Lord! If you don't trust or respect him, do not marry him so that you don't have to fall into disobedience.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. thing.
•    The husband is the head of the wife and the savior of the body. If you are the savior of the body, you cannot destroy the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
•    The woman is subject to the husband in everything. As a Christian woman, are you ready to be subject to this person in all things? If you are dating a lunatic, woman-beater, male chauvinist, drug user, drunkard, porn addict, or just someone who exhibits poor judgement, yet you still want to marry him, please do yourself a favor: apply the brakes!

Let me say that marrying a Christian who loves you doesn't mean you will never experience setbacks or even abuse in your marriage. Even Christians stray from the Word and are sometimes disobedient. However, at least it gives you the right foundation, which means you’ll have a fighting chance thanks to Jesus being on the same boat with you. It also gives you a yardstick of what to expect and helps you set standards that we all ought to work on attaining. 

No Christian is perfect. We are all works in progress. But every true Christian acknowledges the supremacy of God’s word in all situations, using the Bible for instruction and direction.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

So to those who are unequally yoked or yoked to someone in disobedience, (assuming your safety is not in question) the Bible has a way out:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. (1 Peter 3:1-4)

As I said in one of my other articles, some abuse can be prevented and some cannot. If you can avoid the triggers of abuse in your relationship, still want to fight for your marriage, and are not at risk of violence, 1 Peter 3:1-4 gives clear guidelines on how to influence your unbelieving husband. However, if your life (or the life of your dependent ones) are in danger, it might be necessary to separate and seek help or a protective order while you let the Holy Spirit guides you to the next step.

Continue reading part C.