Is there hope after domestic violence?
Many people jump to conclusions and say no, there is never hope after a domestic violence incident. I neither agree or disagree with that perspective. I want to keep it real. I have worked with many couples who, after one or two episodes of violence, sought help. Many go on to have an abuse-free marriage afterward; others continue in the abuse.
No abuse is acceptable, but occasionally it happens nonetheless. The important thing is what we learn from the initial episode and how that determines the next steps. After doing an initial risk assessment to rule out danger to life or injury, a professional assesses for triggers.
Some violence can be avoided in certain situations once the triggers are identified, managed, and avoided. These factors might include depression, anxiety, PMS, medication, alcohol use, or provocation. These are some scenarios I have seen:
- A man starts a new medication that affects his mood and hits his wife without maiming her or killing her. Afterward, he is remorseful and gets help readjusting his new medication.
- A woman has bipolar disorder and is off her medication. She becomes agitated and aggressive and slaps her husband. Afterward, she goes back on medication and is fine. The abuse never reoccurs.
- Newlyweds get into an argument. The man tries to escape by going for a drive because he is seeing another side of his wife he never knew existed, but the wife keeps getting into his personal space, which aggravates him. She finally blocks him from leaving by throwing herself in from of him, because she doesn't want him to drive off in the middle of a stormy night. He shoves her out of the way forcefully. After therapy, they both agree that if he walks into the room and locks the door behind him, she should not follow, as that is a sign that he wants his space.
- A woman whose father was violent gets married. Whenever her husband raises his voice and comes into her personal space, she is triggered into flashbacks of the childhood abuse. Her flight or fight response takes over and she attacks her husband. By treating her trauma and helping her husband identify her triggers, they can avoid a reoccurrence.
- A man falls sick and starts steroids. He becomes aggressive, but after stopping the steroids, he never hits his wife again.
- Someone who hardly drinks gets drunk and brawls with their partner. Now they know that alcohol is a trigger, and avoiding it also means avoiding future violent incidents.
- A man under financial stress is triggered by his wife’s PMS and lashes out. They identify their limits and prevent a repeat episode.
Certain topics are provocative, so couples must negotiate how to approach such topics without triggering each other. Some might agree to write about them, while others might agree to only discuss such topics in the safety of a professional’s or pastor’s office. “Safety first” is the first rule of domestic violence.
There are situations when the stakes are too high to keep trying to make things work, such as domestic violence that involves knives, guns, or other dangerous objects. Other high-risk situations may involve a lack of remorse and understanding from the abuser, ongoing addiction, threats of bodily injury, vulnerable dependents, unsafe sexual practices, or coerced bestiality. These situations might mean the abuser is too dangerous to live with. At a bare minimum, separation might be necessary to save the victim’s life. Imagine a couple who attack each other with broken bottles every time they fight. Isn’t it just a matter of time before one or both parties are maimed or killed? Or imagine a situation where addiction is present. While one or both people are intoxicated, anything can happen. When the mind is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, people have altered perception and judgment. I have heard of situations where abusers have forced victims to use drugs, practice unsafe sexual activities, or even engage in bestiality.
Any practice that puts another person’s safety in question, be it physically, legally, or emotionally, should not be tolerated. If staying with a partner means your mental health is so compromised you get anxious, depressed, or suicidal, that relationship might need a break.
Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your body is the temple of God and needs to be respected. Under no circumstance is it acceptable for you to be destroyed or killed! God needs you, the world needs you, and your family needs you. You cannot let anybody destroy God’s wonderful creation: you!
Finally, remember the woman caught in the act of adultery, which justified her being stoned in that time period. Despite her sin, Jesus protected her from being stoned, from being killed violently. Likewise, the woman at the well had been married numerous times and endured public ridicule, yet Jesus was extremely kind to her. Mary Magdalene was delivered from many demons and embraced by Christ. No matter what your story is, you are the apple of His eyes and deserve to be treated well.
So, is there hope after abuse? Maybe. Only God knows your partner’s heart, so everything should be taken to Him in prayer. Genuine willingness to change can be differentiated from false promises through the following elements: genuine grief over the abuse, genuine repentance, admission of wrongdoing, taking real steps toward change, requesting help from Godly counsel, and seeking services from qualified professionals. But if your life or well-being is at risk, always put your safety first, no matter how genuine your partner seems!
…And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthian 7: 9-10)
Other things to consider before making the decision to stay:
• Is this the only problem area in the relationship?
• Is the abuse predictable enough to truly be preventable in future?
• Are there plans in place to avoid a reoccurrence, for example, compliance with medications, avoidance of alcohol, anger management, or better communication skills?
• Is it truly a single event, or is it habitual, genetic, cultural, or environmental?
• Are you genuinely happy in this relationship, for the most part?
• Are you both opening, willing, and committed to getting help?
